When the kids were home from school last summer there was one thing on my mind… how long until the kids go back to school so that I can go to the grocery store by myself.
Taking small children grocery shopping should be a form of torture used to get information out of international spies. One hour in the supermarket with my children, especially if you add sugar, and that spy would be spilling information faster than the workplace gossip.
I couldn’t wait until I could just go to the grocery store by myself. I would have given my pinkie finger to leisurely walk down the isles with list and coffee in hand able to thoughtfully plan meals instead of constantly telling someone “bags of sugar are not footballs” or “no, you can’t put your penis in the lobster tank.”
Once September hit and the kids went back to school, I was giddy about my up coming grocery trips.
I skipped down the isle and finished all my thoughts. I walked down the alcohol isle with out fearing that someone would knock over a shelf and cause massive amounts of wine abuse. I smiled and sent good vibes to the mom’s dealing with the screaming toddlers, so glad it was them and not me.
But recently, there have been events in my shopping trips that have caused me to long for my children to be with me.
Yes, yes I know you think that I have lost my mind but let me explain.
This one time, I reached into the milk case and pulled out a gallon of milk. I turned to set the milk in my cart but got distracted by a woman with pants so far up her ass, I was sure she could taste them that I dropped the gallon of milk on the floor. There I was, standing in a lake of milk and not one child around to blame it on.
“Do you think you’d like this kind? I don’t know. Didn’t we have that last week? Nope, nope… won’t eat that. Come on, it was a hit two weeks ago. No. It is organic and had lots of good stuff in it. Ew Yuck! I bet I can get you to eat it.” With my children around, this conversation looks a lot less like a crazy person off her meds, talking to cereal boxes and more like a mom trying make sure her children eat more than just chocolate chips and marshmallows.
Then there is the ‘receipt marker at Costco’. I don’t really understand his job. He stands there at the exit, looks at the receipt, then at the cart and then makes a highlighted line down the receipt.
Is he trying to make sure that everything I purchased in is in my cart? If so, how is this possible when my Costco chart has been packet by some man who really like to play Tetras. My stuff is wedged in there so tightly, I almost need lube to get it out. There is no way that with one glance he can tell that every thing in my cart is supposed to be there. Besides, the only think between the cashier and the door to try and steal would be tires.
Trust me, I am not going to to steal tires but if I did, it’d be pretty damn obvious since tires don’t exactly fit in my purse.
When my children are with me at this checkout point, they distract receipt checker man. They beg for smiley faces and ask him a thousand questions. He gives me a look of understanding as to why my cart is about half full of wine. But when my children are not with me, he looks down at me over his glasses and peers into my cart with judgement. He just doesn’t see why I would need 12 bottles of wine, batteries, and cake carrot with cream cheese frosting.
So even though I would rather run naked across a beauty pageant stage than take my children grocery shopping, it is probably for the best that I do the grocery shopping with them.
Either that or get a tattoo on my forehead that says, “Back off, I have children!”
Again – you are too funny! I don’t get the Costco checker job either. Sounds like a good job for one of your kids when they are old enough to work – LOL. It is really, really a job that is not done very well. It would be easy for us to raise kids to be the best Costo Checker EVER. Hey – if you’re hired to do the job – DO the job.
That would be a pain for most of us … but if they see a decade supply of juice boxes … probably not someone you they to pursue. If they see a decade supply of wine – watch out. If they see a decade supply of Pampers – they are in for a long haul. If they see a decade supply of books – let them through.
Oh gosh, this sounds SO familiar! I remember feeling a tad on the crazy side when I would walk down the aisle talking to my one-year-old when he never really talked back. But just the idea someone was there to hear my ranting made me that less crazy. All by myself I look like a nut job babbling about my list and trying to decide which generic box of whatever is cheaper to my empty shopping cart. Funny how they get almost helpful when they get older. Go figure?
I love going to the grocery store without the kids. So peaceful. But you are right. When they aren’t with me I don’t have anyone to blame the crazy on.
That is exactly my point. I have made peace with my crazy and I just others will just have to too.
Love this. I hate shopping with my kids…until these kinds of things occur and you’re like damnit, sorry my bad…lol
But when it is a peaceful errand sans kids and no crazy has occurred, nothing beats that.
@sunshinemommy
That is so me – the part about wondering if I am buying the right thing that they like… but I still LOVE shopping by myself.
I hate the grocery store, period. Unless it’s Central Market, which is awesome.
This was hilarious. And I am completely in awe of anyone who can take four kids grocery shopping, I can barely (and I really mean BARELY) handle my two.
It usually is survival of the fittest.
I love going grocery shopping by myself. I take my sweet time and when I leave I usually don’t feel like I am in a murderous rage. It is rare that I get to go by myself because I usually end up having one of my kids beg me to go with me. I do sometimes enjoy taking my son. He helps me remember things that I forgot to write down on my list.
I LOVE leaving Daddy with the kids for a trip to Publix on my own on the weekends. It makes me a bit sad that “Me Time” has also become “Grocery Time” but I will take what I can get, yo.
Here’s to talking to ourselves out loud!
I’ll drink to that.
I totally talk to myself all the time in the grocery store!! Luckily I still have Ryder with me– but I have a feeling that it will continue even when he is off at school someday.
Ugh – shopping with my girls is an exercise in patience. Yeah, sorry we knocked over that entire display of lemons. I guess you could make a stand? (as my daughters dance in the “yemonade” they have created).
I just did the after school “quickie” trip with my kids last week and thank god that wine aisle is at the end because mama so needed 2 bottles after just a half hour of being in there with them. Did I mention my 5 y/o insisted in riding in one of those carts with the cars attached to the front that’s supposed to make our lives easier only it put the kid at grabbing level for every sugary item in the store on top of making this god awful squeeeing sound through the entire store. Yep I’ll take the judgey looks and go while the munchkins are safely tucked away in class.
And I have to ask have you actually had to utter the words no you can’t put your penis in the lobster tank? I may have shot coffee out my nose laughing at that, the things we have to tell them they can’t do with those appendages amazes me.
Ha! That is so true! We need our kids to blame things on, especially when standing in a lake of milk.
I like grocery shopping with Charlie, but with Eddie I want to stab myself in the leg. Although people just look at me struggling with bags while wearing a baby when I take Charlie instead of actually helping, so there’s that. It’s like, “hey, let’s see how many times that lady can bend with a baby on her chest before said baby falls out head first. This will be fun. Oh look, she is sweating!”
You are so hilarious!
I love it right now because I can go shopping when I only have my little girl with me. So I still have a child with me to blame the crazy on, but not enough to make me lose it!