I have begun the process of un-child proofing our house.
No, I am not talking about taking all the chemicals and poisons that are in the house and handing them to the children. I am talking about the process of taking back my house from my children and the destruction they caused.
This process is very long and involved and for us started about a year and a half ago when we finished our basement and gave each kid their own room, expect for Jake and Quinn they share.
With the basement finished, all the toys were moved out of the living room, organized and placed in bins, books were placed on shelves instead of in easy access bins, each child got their own space and the baby things moved on for someone else to stumble over.
The house is slowly becoming a house that holds people instead of a place that stores all the random crap that babies need.
Just like when you child proof, when you un-child proof, there are a million things to do. The list is long and may take years to complete.
I have big plans for my house but I can only take it one step at a time.
The step that I am on right now is furniture.
My children destroyed my furniture. Just look at our couch, it is so sad, uncomfortable and pitiful that I can barely give it the joy of cradling my ass.
It needs to be put out of it’s misery and become fire wood.
And even though we need to replace our upstairs couch, we went a little off course and replaced an even worse couch in our basement first.
That is right, we got some new furniture.
Just look at our new couch, it’s so pretty.
Oh, I am so in love with this couch! I have to say that the thing that I love the most is that it’s all in one piece and not bleeding stuffing all over the room.
But we now have a new problem.
The children.
You see, with the old couch they were used to jumping, climbing, running, vomiting, spilling and sneezing on it. Now that we have a new couch, none of that is allowed.
So Jeff and I have begun the process of breaking our children of this bad habit that we let go on for so long.
We have put alarms on the couch that release terrible awful noise when the children walk by.
We have put nails on the couch to hurt the children when they try to climb.
We have set fire to the area around the couch to discourage use.
We have had a Witch Doctor put spells on the couch so that any child jumping on it will be freaked out in the night by their toys.
We have….
What?!
You think that this is all too harsh?
It is all just part of the un-child proofing process but maybe you are right.
I suppose it would be fair to say that none of the things listed above are happening. But don’t think, I haven’t thought about it. The only real thing we have been doing is watching that couch like a hawk and when someone jumps, runs, climbs, spits, anything but sits on it they are marched straight to the naughty chair.
I just want to have nice things.
Is that too much to ask?!
Which reminds me…. anyone got any extra ear plugs? Because of this new couch there is a whole lot of naughty chair sitting which means there is a whole lot of crying going on over here and it’s giving me a headache.
Yup, it’s all part of the un-child proofing process.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I loved your post. I bet my parents often wished for alarms & fire pits to ward off the kiddies. (There were 6 of of us.) My bad habit was hiding “critters” in the couch to play with later. (Which I’m sure my mother loved.) Good luck with the un-proofing & if I find some earplugs I’ll send them your way.
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Nice job with the diagram for the new couch! Haha. I really do like the couch though. It’s nice to have at least one thing off the list!
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I LOVE your new couch! And I’m laughing hysterically at your illustrations over here.
Godspeed. Not long ago my mom was looking for a new sofa and my brother texted me a photo from the store of practically the same couch we had, like, 20 years ago. And it was soooo clean and white looking – we agreed that we’d forgotten how nice it looked when our parents first bought it. After that purchase, my sister entered toddlerhood and my baby brother was born. Goodbye, clean couch!
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DUDE! I hear you. after our little nuts trashed our couch we RESEARCHED and bought HARDCORE LEATHER! So far, worth every dime and INDESTRUCTIBLE! Survived, puking, peeing etc.. and NO we don’t allow them to jump but you know how it rolls. sometimes they just do it anyway! UGH!!
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Jen Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I am going to keep this leather couch idea in mind.
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Honey….you have three boys, you won’t have nice things until they are out of your house.
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Jen Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I realize this, I really do but that doesn’t mean I am not going to try.
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LOVE it!! Excellent choice!
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You couldn’t be any more funny! This is so true, all of it. I’m patiently waiting for our furniture to arrive next month and I too will be fastening nails to it as well. Ha ha!
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Jen Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Well, I could try to me more funny.
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We have a very similar sectional that we bought about 2 months ago and all I’ve done since is told the kids to quit running across it and jumping on it. Seriously.
But I do LOVE that corner spot at night when they are all in bed.
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This is hilarious. Sometimes it seems to be easier to live in slum conditions, hey.
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Jen Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:59 pm
You are right, it is much easier to just let them destroy the stuff.
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I’m pretty sure I need to find a witch doctor. ‘Cause I’m just in love with the idea of cursing all my possessions.
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I love the new couch!
I need to invest in an alarm or nails. We’re getting a new couch in the Spring. My son likes to parachute off the current one, among other things. I need to break those habits now!
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I love your new sofa! And I totally get what you mean. We talk about how the kitchen table, for example, will get scratched up and colored on, but once the kids are older, we can upgrade.
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We recently got a new couch too- and yes having to teach my children what they cannot do on furniture- guess I should have taught them from the start.
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We learned the hard way that we are not quite ready for this phase yet, we bought a new couch that was supposed to be the beginning of un-childproofing but now could pretty much be firewood. You could totally be the un-childproofing Supernanny. I would totally pay for your services and some industrial strength ear plugs.
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Whew, this Ozark Farm Chick didn’t know there was so much to do to un~childproof a home.
‘Thought I was past all this. Kids grew up…left home but now when they visit they bring eight very spirited grandkiddos. I only thought I grew outta the phase of my life and yes…I bought the ‘good’ furniture already! Heeehehehe!
From the silly hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa, ya’ll have a blessed and beautiful day!!!
)
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I’m so jealous…we have nothing nice in our house for fear of it being ruined…and no extra furniture that will have to be replaced in later years…I swear, not so much as a sofa table or side table is in our house…
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When I was a kid, my parents replaced the living room furniture when I was about 5. We were NEVER. ALLOWED. TO. SIT. ON. THEM. This was 33 years ago, and yet I can still remember how I felt when I would sneak downstairs early in the morning to watch TV, and I would secretly sit on the couch! It was bliss.
Your post made me laugh out loud—THANK YOU!
p.s. I love the new couch!
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It is a lovely couch.
I don’t allow my children near furniture. They aren’t even allowed to sleep in their beds.
Harsh? I think not. At least they have the furniture to LOOK at.
ha ha ha.
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Jen Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I wish that I would have thought about not letting the children sleep in their new beds that we got for them. If I would have had this thought, Hayden brand new bed would not have ink bed grooves in it. *sigh*
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So loving your new couch. I wish we had a place for something like that!
And, I think the fire pits are perfectly acceptable! But, I guess some people might disagree.
Sending ear plugs now…
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first, I could totally nap for 3 hours on that couch. Given that you hide your children so that it’s quiet for a nap.
second, good job tossing the baby crap! Go You!
third, increase the flames. It’ll help.
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LOVE the new couch! Looks totally comfy! We are putting off new carpet until they are all a bit older. Its not too bad yet and I know its not going to get any better while they are all still young.
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