“Did you have a nice Christmas?” a co-work asked me.
Great. The beginning of small talk. I really wasn’t in the mood for small talk. I just wanted to eat my lunch in peace. But since I was taught to be polite, I indulged in the conversation.
“Yes, sure it was fine,” I answered, “How about you?”
She nodded and then added, “The kids just get so many toys. It’s hard to know what to do with them all.”
I gave a little laugh and agreed with her, “I know what you mean. Between all the Christmas decorations and all the new toys, my living room looks like Christmas and the Presents went out all night drinking and couldn’t hold their liquor.”
She looked puzzled and I panicked that my joke failed but thankfully, just as the awkward silence was about to be too much, she laughed.
“Oh, I know.” she said and continued, “My kids were given this really annoying book that makes noise and talks for no reason at all. And there are no batteries to take out.”
“What is with those toys?” I replied and then added, “My mom gave my kid these Hex Bugs…”
“What?” she interrupted me totally appalled
“Yeah, they are these little vibrators bug that they kids play with,” I answered. “For some reason they really like them.”
“Why in the world would you give that kind of toy to a child?” she asked.
I could sense some distress in her tone but didn’t understand why.
“I know right, they are so tiny and always getting them lost in their stuff,” I answered.
“Oh my! Oh my! OH MY!” she said, “I can’t believe they are making that type of toy for children!”
“They are old enough to know the right and wrong places to play with them,” I answered.
Something was not right, just a little off about this conversation but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I got the feeling we were not talking about the same thing.
“Dear me!” she gasped, and clutched her chest.
Ok, now I was really confused. This was just too weird.
“Have you seen these toys before?” I asked, reaching for my phone to quickly look up a picture for her, hoping to clear up some of the confusion.
Her mouth fell open and she just stared at me. The picture loaded and I turned my phone toward her to show her.
“NO!” she screamed, “I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see those sex toys!”
“What?!” I said, almost dropping my phone. “Why would I show you pictures of sex toys?!”
Now the break room was filled with all kinds of awkward.
“Because you said your children got ‘sex bugs’ for Christmas. I don’t know what kind of toys you are allowing your children to play with but I am pretty sure it shouldn’t be sex toys.” she chastised me.
Finally the all the pieces of the last few moments came together and I realized that what happen to this conversation.
“Um, I said ‘Hex Bug’s. My kids got Hex Bugs for Christmas, not sex bugs,” I clarified. “Hex Bugs.”
I then turned my phone to show her the pictures of the small vibrating bug toys that are Hex Bugs.
“Oh,” she giggled, nervously. “I see.”
I got up to leave the room because I no longer wanted to talk to this woman but I had to add more one thing because I can’t resist making an awkward situation more awkward.
“My husband and I did try to use them as sex toys one night but they are so small that one got lost in my vagina for a couple days. Don’t worry, when it fell out we washed it off and gave it back to the kids to play with since they were really sad when it got lost.”
She looked at me like her eyeballs would pop out of her head so I quickly added, “Kidding. I’m kidding.”
And with that, I left.