I feel like I haven’t been completely honest with people.
This year, I will have all four of my children in school at the same time, all day, every day.
I tell people that I have hit the parenting jackpot.
I say, I can’t wait for them to start school… my job as a parent is done.
I do a little happy dance and raise the roof…
This is the day that us parents dream about, we look forward to it, we count down the days until it’s here.
I have been thinking about this moment since those 2am feeding that lasted hours because said kid didn’t want to fall back to sleep. I would pace the floor bouncing that baby up and down, up and down, up and down dreaming about how someday, they would all be in school.
During those moments where each sibling is fighting with each other over who said who could keep the Happy Meal toy that suddenly became more valuable that a bar of gold, I fantasized about when they would all be in school.
When I spent hours cleaning poop out of the couch cushion because a diaper failed and instead of telling me about the diaper fail the child made ‘mud’ on the couch, I prayed that the day when they would all be in school would get here faster.
All my kids in school.
The day has arrived.
And while it feels a little like Christmas morning, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a little scared.
No, let’s rephrase that… I am scared shitless.
This kinda feels like the night before I went into have a my c-sections that promised me a new baby or three.
I liked being pregnant. It was an interesting journey but I was done. I wanted to have the baby but I was terrified of the next day.
The ‘after’ was so scary and unknown.
I have a baby… now what?
I have all 4 kids in school… now what?
I am going to send 4 little people off into school to now spend more time with their teachers than they do with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for all that free time. And I especially can’t wait to get back into daytime soap operas.
But it’s just going to be different.
The house will be quieter, my time will be my own once again and I will not be the center of their world.
I am ready for this next chapter.
I am ready to stop hiding in the closet to eat from my chocolate stash. I am ready to grocery shop with out my 4 tag-a-longs begging for this that and the other thing. I am ready to make lunch appointments and head to doctor appointments without finding a babysitter so that I don’t have explain “why that man is digging in my ‘agina’.”
I am ready to watch them grow into their own people, to see them make friends and be involved in school.
It’s just that, I am not as ready as I thought I was… to let go.
But letting go is a part of being a parent.
And just like I held on as tightly as I could on the day that my babies were put in my arms, tomorrow… I will let go a little.
I will be excited with them and still their nerves.
I will smile and wave as they walk onto the bus.
I will do a little happy dance as that bus pulls away leaving with my children.
And then I will cry.
Just like I did back when Hayden first went to school.
I will cry, plant myself on the couch, grab a cup of coffee, probably spiked with Bailey’s, and then turn on reruns of Charmed.
I will take in the peace of the house but in the same moment wish for the chaos.
I will pray for their good day and safe return.
I will refrain from calling to check on them or driving by the school to see what they are up too.
I will *think* about tackling my list of projects I have been saving for this time.
And I will let go.
*This post is part of Just Write*