I feel like I haven’t been completely honest with people.
…
This year, I will have all four of my children in school at the same time, all day, every day.
I tell people that I have hit the parenting jackpot.
I say, I can’t wait for them to start school… my job as a parent is done.
I do a little happy dance and raise the roof…
This is the day that us parents dream about, we look forward to it, we count down the days until it’s here.
I have been thinking about this moment since those 2am feeding that lasted hours because said kid didn’t want to fall back to sleep. I would pace the floor bouncing that baby up and down, up and down, up and down dreaming about how someday, they would all be in school.
During those moments where each sibling is fighting with each other over who said who could keep the Happy Meal toy that suddenly became more valuable that a bar of gold, I fantasized about when they would all be in school.
When I spent hours cleaning poop out of the couch cushion because a diaper failed and instead of telling me about the diaper fail the child made ‘mud’ on the couch, I prayed that the day when they would all be in school would get here faster.
All my kids in school.
It’s hear.
The day has arrived.
And while it feels a little like Christmas morning, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a little scared.
No, let’s rephrase that… I am scared shitless.
This kinda feels like the night before I went into have a my c-sections that promised me a new baby or three.
I liked being pregnant. It was an interesting journey but I was done. I wanted to have the baby but I was terrified of the next day.
The ‘after’ was so scary and unknown.
I have a baby… now what?
I have all 4 kids in school… now what?
I am going to send 4 little people off into school to now spend more time with their teachers than they do with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for all that free time. And I especially can’t wait to get back into daytime soap operas.
But it’s just going to be different.
The house will be quieter, my time will be my own once again and I will not be the center of their world.
I am ready for this next chapter.
I am ready to stop hiding in the closet to eat from my chocolate stash. I am ready to grocery shop with out my 4 tag-a-longs begging for this that and the other thing. I am ready to make lunch appointments and head to doctor appointments without finding a babysitter so that I don’t have explain “why that man is digging in my ‘agina’.”
I am ready to watch them grow into their own people, to see them make friends and be involved in school.
It’s just that, I am not as ready as I thought I was… to let go.
But letting go is a part of being a parent.
And just like I held on as tightly as I could on the day that my babies were put in my arms, tomorrow… I will let go a little.
I will be excited with them and still their nerves.
I will smile and wave as they walk onto the bus.
I will do a little happy dance as that bus pulls away leaving with my children.
And then I will cry.
Just like I did back when Hayden first went to school.
I will cry, plant myself on the couch, grab a cup of coffee, probably spiked with Bailey’s, and then turn on reruns of Charmed.
I will take in the peace of the house but in the same moment wish for the chaos.
I will pray for their good day and safe return.
I will refrain from calling to check on them or driving by the school to see what they are up too.
I will *think* about tackling my list of projects I have been saving for this time.
And I will let go.
*This post is part of Just Write*
Sigh…the letting go, it sucks.
There is that whole “yay!” part, for sure…but it’s different from now on. I totally get that. Working at the elementary school now, I see the other side of it, too.
But that letting go side? Still hard…says the mom watching her son pack up for year two of college.
Sigh…hugs to you in the morning! And maybe some Bailey’s…xoxo
Thanks for the support… I was just thinking this morning, what is it going to be like sending them off to college?
God help me? How you do you that as a mother?
i have only one going back, the other one’s got one more year before she walks through that door… yet i’m still feeling the change, the passage of time. thinking of you tomorrow!
Wait. There are still daytime soaps? Who knew???
You’re doing great. I’m feeling guilty for counting down my last year before I’m in the same..er…boat (1 more year of 2 hour preschool for the youngest). Thank you for the insight into next year – great post as always!
At least I think so… it has been years since my TV played anything but cartoons in the daytime.
This is such a beautiful, honest post. Simply lovely! I wish you all a good first day tomorrow.
Thank you.
You totally hit the nail on the head. Ever since they were babies, I have waited for them to be more independent. And now, it’s coming bit by bit and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
On one hand–THRILLING!
ON the other hand–”We’re DONE?”
Completely, and I still have 2 at home. But I know it’s going to go fast!
I loved this post! Thanks for stopping by!
Sending my youngest to school was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still cry (she’s in second grade) every first week of school.
I believe that from now on… I will cry. There is nothing easy about watching that bus pull away with your babies on it.
I love it. And you’re right about everything. We want them to go but then we don’t and we do and we don’t. Perspective…I have had to send two of mine to college and my youngest goes to full day K starting today, so two in in Elementary school and two in college–that was my way to keep some home I guess. I’m excited and ready for them to go because I think I’ll tackle some projects I’ve been looking forward to starting/finishing, etc. Good Luck to your little ones! Good luck to you
Yeah. Totally get it.
You said that all so well Jen! Loved this one!
I’m not there yet. I mean I did cry when I put them in daycare, but I guess I will cry again when that start Kindergarten in a Elementary school. I know being a stay at home mom is harder than a working mom, so I understand being home with them 24/7 since they were born and then they are gone! out of the house. It’s going to be the new “normal” i guess… I’m just glad I have them potty trained now and talking. I was counting down the days to that!
Love the “think” about the tackling the projects. We moms are funny that way that once we really do have some time all of those things we once wanted to do just don’t seem that desirable anymore.
I feel pretty much the EXACT same way. K starts 3-day a week pre-school tomorrow. So frackin’ bitterSWEET.