I stood there at his bedside, trying to hold the tears back.
I wanted him to feel bad about what he did but I didn’t think that him seeing that he made me cry would be a good thing.
In truth, my heart was breaking. It still is.
There was a physical pain in my chest as I listened to him come up with story after story and lie and after lie.
You could tell his brain was spinning since each answer was delayed and well thought out.
A part of me just wanted to shake him and beat the crap out of him for lying right to my, our, face.
Did he really think that we were that dumb?
Another part of me was scared out of my mind because if he is pulling this crap at six then what is sixteen going to be like?
The hardest part of this was that he had been punished for lying last night but then come to find out that was a lie as well. And, we still don’t know the whole story.
The fact is that he took something that wasn’t his from a classmate who rides his bus.
Jeff finished his reprimand by saying, “Hayden it is important for you to know that Mommy and Daddy still love you. We are just sad about the bad choices that you have made.”
The lump in my throat was just too big, I couldn’t speak.
While Jeff spoke, Hayden just looked at me. I tried to look firm but I could tell that my eyes just read hurt.
Hayden never looked away and as a single tear rolled down my cheek, then he started to sob.
His little body shook with each sob and in between the tears he repeated, “I am sorry, mommy. I am sorry.”
It took every once of strength that I possessed not to run to him and hold him tight. I wanted to scoop him up in my arms and just rock him until the tears stopped and he fell asleep. I wanted to make him feel better. I hated that he was hurt and felt bad.
But on the flip side of the coin, I wanted him to feel bad about what he did. I wanted him to see and remember my disappointment in his actions so that maybe, next time there would be no next time.
Why did he have to grow up? Why did the world have to influence him? Why couldn’t I keep him small, a baby who’s head fit perfectly under my chin in a snuggle.
I gave him a hug goodnight, told him that I loved him and then left the room as Jeff finished tucking him in.
I walked out of his room and let out a huge sigh and wiped a few more tears from my eyes.
We are his parents. It is our job to teach him not to make these choices and to show him that lying is wrong.
Hayden is struggling and going through some growing pains.
He made some bad choices.
So why do I feel like I am the one who is failing?
Because I am pouring my heart out.
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
WOw, you’re right, that’s the toughest job in the world.
But trust me, in a few more years worth of shenanigans, your heart won’t be breaking so much. You’ll be like, “oh, THIS again???” And when one of the triplets does it, you’ll say, “I remember when Hayden did that. And I remembered how I handled it.”
And then you’ll see how awesome Hayden turned out and your fears will be quelled, at least for a while. Because you’ll know that you’re doing just fine, and that Hayden is lucky to have parents that love him enough to not let him get away with all that 6-year-old shit.
Hayden will be better for this. So will the triplets. And so will you.
xo
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Sigh…my son is 12. I swear I felt like this yesterday for different reasons. It truly is the hardest job in the world!
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That really is such a tough one!!! But YOU ARE NOT FAILING… great job mama. This thing called motherhood is the greatest and yet hardest job in the world. Know you’re not alone. He’s a great kid with great parents, and it’s just one of those lessons we all had to learn.
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It is hard. So, so hard. I’ve had Baby Girl in that very same situation before. I think they need to know that they can hurt other people with their actions and if we don’t teach them they will learn from someone else and that will be so much worse. It hurts because you’re a good mom. If you didn’t care then it wouldn’t matter, but the he wouldn’t learn his lesson either.
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ohhhh lady. you need a hug. it is SO hard when things like this happen. it breaks my heart when the kids go to bed sad. but i think you guys handled it so so so amazing!! you are such an amazing mommy!!
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Whenever I have a hard time being hard on my boys for screwing up, I try and think about whatever they have done and on what scale it will be when they are 21 years old….and then….I find the strength to smack um’ again!! HAHAHAHA!!
disclaimer: I don’t smack my kids, O’ CPS workers. Just threaten is all. There’s a solid difference.
Hang in there, momma. Kid just knows what he wants out of life. That’s all!
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Oh I am with you. And you are so much stronger than me. because I give in on anything. even not letting my son have a snack if he didn’t eat dinner hurts my heart. Literally makes it ache as he says please.
Damn good thing that being a parent is so awesome, or the hard parts wouldn’t be worth it.
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This is the hardest job in the world. I am also gathering from this that perhaps I should cancel Sadie’s surgery and keep small and mine forever????
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Yes. Just keep her small.
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Oh, Jen. I’m sending you a hug.
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That is tough, makes me want my little ones to stay little and innocent. Holding back the hugs to teach a lesson is so hard. Hope the phase passes quickly.
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Hardest job in the world indeed. I had a similar experience today – different issue – but same feelings as Mum with my heart breaking. It’s times like these I’m thankful that I can pray.
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((HUGS)) to you. I think this is something all kids go through at one point or another. The key is how it’s handled and I think you handled it well. He knows his actions hurt you, and that tears (no matter how sincere) won’t get him off the hook. Take a deep breath. You’re doing a great job.
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If you were failing you wouldn’t feel this way. You wouldn’t care that he did these things. Good job staying strong!! It is so hard!
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I am totally in touch with that emotion. My oldest went through that at the same age and she turned out just fine. I keep reminding myself of that for when the youngest falters.
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Being a parent is one of, if not the hardest job there is! Even though we know what we say/do can be for the best, it can still hurt.
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I believe that letting him get away with it and ignoring what he did would be failure, but teaching him about his bad choices and letting him see how his actions affected you and others, you did the best thing. Parenting is hard and like my sister in law always says, the right thing is never the easy thing. You are doing a fine job momma!
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Oh, parenting is so damn hard. And it does feel like it’s us when our kids do something wrong. But, we can only claim responsibility up to a certain point. They are growing and testing limits and still don’t understand how things work, even though we stry to teach them.
You are a fabulous mom.
Thanks for linking up.
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Oh man! SOmetimes I hate having to be the parent…the mom. It’s not easy…discipline sucks. I hate it when they look at me with their big blue eyes full of tears….totally rips my bleeding heart right out! Darn those cute little stinkers!!
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You are NOT failing. Kids will be kids and they are going to make mistakes. We just have to teach them how to correct them, address them, and not make them again, ya know?
Powerful post, mama. Hugs to you!
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You are not failing.
You’re massively succeeding – you’ll just only be able to see that in retrospect.
Raising kids is like committing the perfect murder, you never know how you did until after the fact.
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I like how you compared parenting to committing murder. That is why you are awesome.
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Parenting is such a test. I am so often torn between two opposing emotions as a mother. It’s something I never expected from motherhood. Hang in there. We all have to learn these lessons at some point and now is his time.
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I’m sorry Jen. What I want you to know is that you are doing a good job! I think most kids go though this around this age. I know I did.
Hugs!
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I’m just starting this “job” and I know there will be struggles along the way. I don’t think any parent is a failure though. I think there are many times we just choose not to listen and do what we know is right.
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
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{{{HUGS}}}
This is the hardest job in the world. We do the best we can to raise our kids to be the best they can be. It is really hard to see the influence the outside world has on them. It scares me every day. You are a great mom. Your kids are very blessed. xoxo
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I’m working toward weaning myself off of feeling responsible for her accomplishments so that I don’t have to feel responsible for her mistakes. I think it shows that you’re a really great parent that you were so affected by it. Lots of parents have a “gee, look what HE did” attitude that is breeding bad kids. Hopefully your love and care will raise a child that things twice about lying.
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How tough! I am so sorry that Hayden made some bad choices. No matter how much we teach our kids, they sometimes still feel the need to do stupid things and learn for themselves. You are a WONDERFUL mom.
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I have a feeling that your reactions will have a profound effect. Good job being both loving and tough, mama.
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Jen,
So sorry about all of this but the way you wrote it? I felt like I was right there. My twins are only 5, so we’re just embarking on all of this stuff. Yesterday was a rough day (we had a playdate, it was crazy, and didn’t go so well), and I’m getting glimpses of how my parenting is going (or not, as the case may be). It’s tough. I feel like a failure most days.
Thank you for sharing this.
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Makes me really, really wish there was a manual for this parenting thing.
But on the bright side, I guess that is why we have each other.
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Been there. Oh it hurts, yes it does. Thank you for writing so honestly that I felt like I was there.
They are made with their own personalities and their own minds… yet we do feel like when our kids fail, and sin, that it is our fault, that we missed something, that we let our guard down and the filter didnt keep out the bad influence.
Be gentle with yourself. You are doing an amazing job, mama.
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I know you don’t want to hear this, but stealing is something that most kids have to go through. It is how they learn that it is WRONG. My 6 year old went through that too. She stole some things from her teacher. She stole a headband from a girl in her class. She was immediately taken to the principal’s office. At first, I was really angry about it, but I talked to a therapist who told me that is was completely normal for kids this age. Honestly, they are too young to even realize that it is morally wrong. They just see something they want and they take it. Maturity will teach them that it is wrong. Just let him know it was a bad thing to do and that you still love him.
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Actually, this was just what I needed to hear.
Thank you.
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Oh Jen. I try to comfort myself in these type of situations with the thought that at least he’s crying, at least he cares that he disappointed you.
THAT is everything. THAT, you and Jeff did.
I’ve seen kids who don’t care. Don’t cry. That scares the hell out of me.
Hugs good mama.
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That’s tough. I don’t look forward to those days. It’s hard enough now with a toddler. I have to leave the room. I can’t stand to see that sad little face.
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Oh, Jen! This is not good! I’m so sorry for your angst and frustration! I don’t know what to tell you other than I hope this hit home with him and things start to change.
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So true…my heart is breaking for you! My son who is 7 has been telling a lot of white lies and it just seems like no matter what I saw or do he keeps doing it. I asked him about it again yesterday and he said he feels different when he is at home then we he is at church or school…what does that mean???
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You know, I think lying is a normal thing at this age. Testing boundaries and all that. That’s when Sawyer started lying. He still does it, about stupid stuff, like about brushing his teeth, but he gets caught every time.
I think you’re doing a fantastic job.
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It truly is a difficult job raising children. You worry when they are six, you worry when they are 16 and…….you worry when they are 26. I guess that’s what being a mom is all about
We just saw our oldest boy get married this past Friday and I shed tears of joy knowing that he had come such a long way! He was a tough one to raise but it was worth every tear I ever shed. Here’s a video link of their BIG DAY
http://www.hellotomorrow.ca/blog/2011/01/erin-lawrence-the-practice-paid-off/
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Thank you for the link. I think that I just need to know that this is all normal and he has to go through it and learn from it.
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Jen, big hugs to you! All kids go through these tough stages, that’s how they learn and grow into honest adults. Hopefully he learned that his actions have consequences and he won’t take anything again.
If it makes you feel better, for the first time in my life, I had to meet with the principal to discuss my kindergarten kleptomaniac.
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Jen Reply:
January 19th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
I am sorry you had to go to the principal’s office but it does make me feel better.
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Oh god. This totally made me cry. I do NOT look forward to the day that I have to take a hard line with my son.
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Oh I am so sorry! Alex bit her brother on the stomach the other day because another girl at the park told her too. I think it is something about that age, Lucas has taken to lying too.
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I was a little clepto for a while when I was a kid (not saying that Hayden is…) and when my mother finally caught me she layed in to me pretty good and I never took another thing that wasn’t mine. I’m guessing he learned his lesson and saw the hurt in your eyes and won’t do this again. I’m sorry and you’re right, this parenting gig is HARD. xoxo
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No truer words have ever been written. It’s stunning how much a little tear and some true disappoinment from Mom can be to a son. For little girls ~ at least mine ~ nossomuch . . .
Super sweet post, Jen!
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Mine started lying before they were 2! I keep telling myself that it’s a natural reaction…when you get in trouble, you’ll do whatever you can to get out of it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It also doesn’t mean you’re failing…the fact that he got upset means that you’ve succeeded…he gets it.
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It really IS the most difficult job in the world. And I don’t think there is any way to truly prepare for this stuff. It sounds like you are handling the situation with grace and conviction, and absolutely perfectly! Thank you for being open and honest in sharing this very difficult experience. This post was beautifully written, and I felt it do deeply I felt I was there. You’re a great Mom!
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omg…catching up on blogs and glad I saved this one in my reader. I have been in this position as a parent and a teacher…its so hard to stand our ground at times like these…but I also firmly believe that if we don’t teach them these lessons now…it’ll be that much harder and there will be more consequences later if we don’t. I have a friend who says “We must pave the child for the road…not the road for the child.”
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I’ve always advocated open communication specially when dealing with children. Rewards and punishments have their places but explaining things, specially explaining why what they did were bad choices, are perhaps the best way to deal with things. Our children would certainly understand specially if we show that we are sincere about it.
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