“Alright, self,” I said one night to myself, “this is getting ridiculous. It is time to go to bed.”
“But…” I began to protest
“No, buts! Do you really care about this failing restaurant on ‘Restaurant Impossible‘? You are falling asleep. Let’s be smart for once and just go to bed,” myself reprimanded me.
Myself was wrong, I was kind of interested in watching Robert Irvine be all disgusted with the failing restaurant’s food but after a couple more head bobs, one which made me almost fall off the couch, I decided that it was time for bed.
I walked into the kitchen and stopped to say goodnight to Jeff.
“I am going to bed,” I said as I leaned down to kiss his head.
“I will be there shortly, I just need to finish my run in the game,” he said.
I smiled, forced him to look away and kissed him on the lips. I kissed him deeply and just enough to make him contemplate leaving the game to join me for something other than sleeping but then stopped quickly to let him know that tonight, I was just too tired.
“I like you,” he smiled.
“I like you, too,” I said.
I walked into the bedroom, did my normal bed time routine and got into bed.
As I lay down, my stomach started to rumble and the tortilla chicken soup that I had for dinner started to punch me in the esophagus.
“I guess, I put too much chili powder in the soup after all,” I said to myself, “Time to find some Tums.”
I threw the covers off the bed and waked into the bathroom and fished out two orange Tums. I don’t know why but I can only eat orange Tums. The other colors are just gross and make me want to vomit. I am the same way about conversation hearts, only orange ones please.
As I was putting the Tums back into the cupboard, I thought that I heard russling in the bedroom meaning that Jeff had decided to come to bed with me after all. I wasn’t looking for the sexing but a little snuggling sounded nice.
I opened the door and expected to see him disrobing but instead the empty room hit me.
“Oh man,” I whined but then quickly changed my tune, “Yeah! The whole bed for me.”
With the fire in my stomach gone, I settled in for a good sleep.
As I tried to go to sleep, I let my mind wonder. I thought about the kids and how I love them, I thought about Jeff and how awesome it is to be married to him, I prayed for the people I love, I thought about possible blog posts which I would forget in the morning and soon I was sound asleep.
I was dreaming about purple cotton candy roller coasters when suddenly my nose was accosted by a terrible smell.
It was more then a smell, it was a horrible, terrible stench that woke me from my sound sleep.
“Good Lord!” I said out loud. “Jeff, your ass reaks.”
Silence.
“Jeff!” I said louder trying to wake him, “You are stinking up the whole room. Go take the outside!”
Again, silence.
“Oh for the love of pete,” I said turning myself over to face him so that I could shake him and his stinky ass awake and make him leave, “Wake….”
It was then that I realized that I was alone.
I scanned the room looking in all the corners making sure no one was hidding and yup, sure enough, I was totally alone.
“Oh man,” I said to myself.
“Yup,” myself answered.
“It is not possible,” I said.
“Well, you are the only one here,” myself replied.
“You know I can’t handle spicy food,” I said.
“Apparently,” myself answered.
“I still don’t think it was me,” I said.
“Really,” myself said as the smell once again hit me in the nose.
“Fine.” I said.
“Let’s never speak of this again,” myself replied, “And breathe out of our mouth.”
“Deal.”
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I.Am.Dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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He he, me too. Are you really sure nobody (maybe one of the kids???) was hiding somewhere? I usually like mine.
At least more than anybody else’s.
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Let’s never speak of it again, except to tell thousands of people on the blog! Too funny!
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New follower here.
In my best Michael Jackson voice – “You are not alone”. Great stuff.
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bwahahahaa!!
Are you sure Jeff hadn’t come in, stunk it up then snuck out? You should go with THAT story!!
I’ve woken myself up snoring before. True story.
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David has woken me up with the stink before, but I don’t think I’ve ever woke myself up.
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You know they say if you smelt it you dealt it.
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