The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
~ Bill Cosby
With a house full of young children, there is going to be fights especially when most of those children are the same age and are two years old. Let’s just say that sharing does not happen often in our house.
Not matter what the object is from a small little car to a large chair, Jake, Quinn and Claire don’t like to share things. When people want to bring new things into our house, my standard rule is that either you bring three of that item or don’t bring it at all.
But I can’t do this forever. Things are going to happen in Jake, Quinn and Claire’s lives where they will be required to share. So it is my job, as their parent, to teach them how to share.
As most parents know, this is not an easy task. I don’t know about your house but here there have been roll on the ground-biting-pulling of hair fights over toys. In the past, I would just take said toy away from both kids. But all this did was make them both mad and their protests would turn from each other to me.
They would follow me around the house, crying and whining, begging me for the toy back. And after an appropriate amount of time of the toy being in ‘toy jail’ I would hand the toy over to them with the instructions to ’share’ expecting them to just know what to do.
I am sure that you can see where this is going.
They would not share, the fighting would start again, I would take the toy away, more crying and yelling directed at me and we would be in this vicious cycle that involved me opening a bottle of wine at 10am.
I needed to find a better way. Perhaps even a way that actually taught my children the method of sharing.
And I am here to say that I think that I have found this way.
What I have been doing that really seems to work is that each child gets the toy for two minutes and then they switch.
So when I start to hear the fighting, I walk into the room and yell, “TWO MINUTES!” Each child will stop what they are doing just long enough for me to snatch the toy away and walk out of the room.
Of course, once the kids realize that their toys is gone, they follow me. They start to cry in protest but I tell them that they can either stop crying and share the toy or they can go up to their room to cry.
Apparently, going to their room is the worst possible thing that could happen to them because they stop crying and look at me. I then tell them that one of them will get the toy for two minutes and then we will switch. It doesn’t matter what child had the toy first, I pick one, give them the toy and then set the timer for two minutes and when the timer goes off, the kids switch.
So far this system works perfectly. The kids know what to expect. They are learning how to share. And best of all, the house is quiet.
For my next trick, I will stop my children from whining.
Yeah right.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Please please PUH-LEASE tell me if you ever figure out how to stop the whining!
We do the timer thing too…it works great!
.-= Emily´s last blog ..A heart felt apology =-.
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Haha. I was just going to say the EXACT same thing as Emily. And trust me when I say that with girls, the whine factor goes up exponentially. Thankfully, one of my boys rarely whines and the other is just learning to talk. The two girls? ‘Bout to kill me with the whine! To WINE!
.-= Kelly´s last blog .. =-.
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Good trick! Timers are so useful for moms! As for the whining, I’ve been whining back at my son so he can hear what he sounds like. He tells me “my no like that whining mom.” and then we talk in our regular voices. It’s working (sometimes.)
.-= Mary Ellen´s last blog ..Snack Attack =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:31 am
Oh, I like that idea. I have done this to my kids sometimes too and they always yell at me to stop or my daughter will whine more and then cry louder so I am thinking that this is not really working with her.
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yes, I use the timer too… but for it is for 5 minutes. The thing that kills me is that 25 minutes later the timer is getting on my last nerve!! I keep hoping that they will lose interest after a switch or two… but no luck so far!
and the whining… honestly I only have 1 two year old but he has been recently bitten by the whiny bug and with his 4 yr old sister joining in well. it. is. killing. me!!!!
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Jen Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:33 am
I tried the 5 minute time limit but it was too long for them and thankfully, they do seem to lose interest in about 5 switches but at only 2 minutes its not that annoying.
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You are such a clever mama! The timer is just what I would have suggested. Now if you find the magic cure for whining you will become a very rich woman.
.-= Michelle @ One Crafty Mama´s last blog ..WW – Goodbye and Good Riddance! =-.
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Clever mama! I think I would extend the time a little bit (I feel like you can’t enjoy it much in just two minutes) ha, but kudos for the progress!
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Jen Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:34 am
You have a great idea which I plan on doing when they get a little older. Right now for their age and attention spam, 2 minutes seems to work.
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Yeah, i have a 14 year old, a 12 year old, and an 8 year old. They don’t like to share either. But, if you figure out how to stop the whining (as me screaming shut-up doesn’t seem too effective), please let me know.
.-= michelle´s last blog .. =-.
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Ugh, I hate the constant fighting over toys! I threaten to burn them all if they don’t stop fighting. Maybe I’ve been going a little overboard? I like the two minute deal!!
If you get them to stop whining, please share it!!!!
.-= Helene´s last blog ..He’s just jealous… =-.
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What a great idea!
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Oh and I just LOVE that Cosby quote!
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..What the French, Toast?! =-.
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My son is 6 and still whines all the time. Please pass on anything that you learn
Loved this read! You’ve got quite a handful there. I remember taking my son to mum and baby group and trying to get the lil ones to share was a mission and a half! Was glad it was only for a couple of hours a week!
.-= Louise´s last blog ..This picture is who I am. =-.
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You have to find their currency to make it work. And it changes with time. When they are teenagers, they are going to be begging to go to their room:-)
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Maggie’s daycare does something similar, especially with the highly coveted toys. She does pretty good at sharing at daycare, but it’s much harder at home if someone comes over to play. I need to invite her little friend Olivia over more I think.
Maggie also thinks going to her room is the WORST POSSIBLE THING EVER. When she starts whining, we tell her if she wants to whine, she can do it in her room. Stops every time. Now if I could just figure out how to stop it from starting!
.-= Wendy´s last blog ..I want to ride a bicycle =-.
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wyatt is 7 and still has issues with sharing with his sister so unfortunately it doesn’t get better anytime soon:)
and if u find the trick to stop whining PLEASE let me know because OMG she is the worst!
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Something for nothing =-.
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At what point in our lives does something like going to your room go from th worst possible thing ever… to the best possible thing ever? Because I would love it if someone sent me to my room.
.-= erica´s last blog ..What makes you feel fabulous? A Sephora giveaway! =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I don’t get it either b/c there are toys in their room. Its a fun place. I would like to go to their room.
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Sounds like a great idea. I had a friend that used the set the timer like that and it seemed to work really well for her too. I have started to run into the trouble where my kids will be fighting over who gets to go first, my 3-year-old will start freaking out and then my 5 year old always says his little sister can go first or have whatever is they both want. I have tried to then say, no that is not fair Alex can’t always have her way or go first, you need to go first too.. but the 3-year-old will still not be giving in and then Lucas is freaking out as he is saying, but she can go first… so she is getting more selfish while he is always giving in…. it never ends.
.-= Emmy´s last blog ..A little About Me =-.
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I’ve given up on the sharing. If they want to fight,I send them to the playroom, close the door and let them fight it out. No bloodshed so far.
.-= cristin´s last blog ..A Lotta Lotta Party =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Some days, I do this too. I go to my room close the door, put a pillow over my head and just breath in the silence.
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I haven’t tried sending Maddy to her room, but we do use timeouts. I count and if I get to 3 and the bad behavior is still occurring she gets a timeout sentence. I’m not sure if it will backfire later in life but she has a healthy fear of the number 3.
.-= Catherine @ Evolving Mommy´s last blog ..Nutty Peanut Butter Chocolate Granola Bars =-.
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One of the upsides to only having one child is that there is no fighting over toys. The downside is that it’s tough to learn how to share when you don’t have to. We were just at a playdate this morning where Sophie kept yanking things away from other kids or not letting them play with it. There were tears. We left early. It was frustrating. I don’t know what to do.
.-= Carabee´s last blog ..Pucker Up =-.
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I have found that doing squats works great. We still have the sharing thing today with the young ones. Yes, I do want peace and quiet. Yes, I do want justice but justice does not always bring peace. I like your taking turns method. Children are happy to wait for a reasonable period of time if it’s a sharing toy. It’s harder when it’s “their” toy. Our rule there is no onehas to share on their birthday. They have a whole 24 hours to not share. Then they need to.
.-= bluecottonmemory´s last blog ..Waiting on a Nation: Socialism or Freedom =-.
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You have to love Bill Cosby.
Great idea on the sharing. You are like some sort of parentin super hero.
.-= Otter´s last blog ..First Day of Pre-School =-.
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that sounds like a great plan!
.-= Connie @ Young and Relentless´s last blog ..Do You Have These Barbies? =-.
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Such a great idea, and sounds like they are going along with it quite well!! I’ll have to remember this as my newborn gets old enough to play with his sisters stuff… and realize when she’s playing with his. Haha, thanks for the tip!
~Tabitha
.-= Tabitha Blue´s last blog ..Sunday Citar =-.
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That is GOOD! Please let me know if you can get the whining to stop.
.-= Kelly Deneen´s last blog ..Beware =-.
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Nice.
Natalie shares pretty good. It’s just the whining that I need help with. So if you figure that out, please let me know.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Happy 3rd Birthday, Natalie! =-.
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I do this with my 4yr and near 10yr old. Sorry to say, it doesn’t quite go away. *sigh* But yes, the timed sharing seems to work best. The hard part is remembering to set the timer. I forget a lot. Ooops.
.-= Lourie´s last blog .. =-.
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Love that Cosby quote!
And I think your system is quite ingenious! And my son acts like being sent to his room is a punishment worse than death.
.-= Jenners´s last blog ..Your Smart-Ass Questions Answered =-.
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Jen – if you figure out the way to stop the whining = you will be incredibly rich and famous!
I also use a timer for taking turns both at home and at school….great solution!
.-= Barbara Manatee´s last blog ..Roller Derby =-.
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Ha! My kids are like that too…but mine don’t “share”, they “take turns.” If I say “you need to share”, they freak. If I say, “you need to take turns,” they go “ooohhhh,” and then pass it back and forth. Whatever. Now that I’ve figured this out I’m sure they’ll switch it up on me again.
Oh, and if you ever find a trick to stop the whining? You should patent it and sell it for a million dollars.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Trying to Look at the Glass Half Full =-.
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Oh I’ll try this – hec, I’ll try anything right now.
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we do that too. it works great at the park when there’s a line for the swing. “do you want 5 more pushes or 10?”
With whining, we can’t speak “whine”. we act like it’s foreign language that we don’t understand. when they realize we aren’t responding they stop. i sometimes also ask them to “try again” meaning to ask the question without whining. it takes a few days of consistency, then they adjust.
good luck!
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Yep, the “egg timer” is one of our best friends around here too. It’s the only solution I’ve found that works pretty well.
P.S. Duct tape for the whining. Oh just kidding!!!
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..Cereal Anyone? [me] & goji Giveaway =-.
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Sounds like a good plan
.-= debi9kids´s last blog ..My (Almost) Birthday Boy =-.
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