Dinner was in the oven.
Kids were watching their beloved TV.
There were a million things that I should be doing but as I walked into my bedroom for who knows what reason, I decided that the only thing I wanted to do way lay down for a five minute nap.
This was one of those rear moments where I was just going to be.
No to do list running through my head.
No kids asking for things.
No mind worrying.
I was just going to lay on my bed and do nothing.
But whenever a mother stops, soon there will be a child that appears. It is a law like how when you plan a picnic in spring there will be rain. And sure enough, about two minutes into my ‘just doing nothing’ a child appeared.
“Lay with mommy,” Hayden said with his ‘I’m a baby’ voice and he crawled into bed with me.
My first thought was to make him go away but as soon as he scooted his body up to mine and seemed to melt into me, I knew that I could not send him away.
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to me, almost wishing that I could once again take him inside of me back to the days when we were one.
I kissed his head and breathed in my oldest son.
“So tell me,” I said deciding that this was as good as time as any to talk to him about the comings and goings of the first grade, “who did you play with at recess today?”
He began to wiggle like children, “Nobody” he said.
A pang of sadness hit my heart.
“Nobody?” I asked, “There was nobody that you played with? What about Adam? Where was he?”
“Adam was there but he was playing something that I didn’t want to play so I just played by myself,” he said.
This was killing me. All I could see was my baby, sad and alone on the play ground, everyone else with a friend.
“Danny, came back to school today,” Hayden continued and I realized there was more to this story, “Yeah, he was at Disney with this family and when he came back the whole class gave him a big hug.”
I smiled and again kissed his head. ”I bet that made you happy that Danny came back. I know he is a good friend,” I said.
Hayden nodded.
We lay still for a while until Hayden once again got the wiggles.
“Did you have any specials today?” I asked, trying to make him focus and recapture the calm.
“Yeah, music…” he stated and then went onto talking about the songs that they sang and some movie that they watched but my mind was else where.
Suddenly, I was wondering …. “Dear child, do I love you enough?”
I pulled him closer to me this time almost trying to force him back inside me even though I knew his seven year old body was just too big.
I wanted to keep him close. I wanted him to be mine forever. I wanted him to always want to crawl into bed with me and say, “lay with mommy” in that silly play baby voice of his.
“Mom, there are just so many girls I like in my class. I just can’t choose one,” Hayden said pulling me out of my head and back to the present.
I gave a breathy laugh and said to my little ladies man, “Oh Hayden, you don’t need to choose just one girl to have as a friend. Be friends with them all.”
“Ok, yeah,” he said and I could tell he was thinking this over, “but I think I like Isabelle best.”
“You are so silly,” I said giving him a little tickle.
He giggled and then the wiggles came on is full force. I knew our time together was ending because in the hall, I heard his siblings running towards us.
Soon the bed was full of children laughing and jumping.
I looked at each one and couldn’t help but smile.
“Mom,” Hayden said and I turned my head to face him. ”There is a boy in my class who just got his ear pierced, mom. Mom, he wears earring… in both ears.”
Oh for goodness sake, I could hear his next worlds even before said them, “Mom, can I get my ears pierce. I want to wear earrings.”
“How about right now, you help me put rolls in the oven for dinner and we can talk earrings with Daddy later?” I asked
“Yeah! Rolls!” four kids cheered.
With that my time of nothing was once again filled with many somethings.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I love this. These moments that are mixed with joy and sadness and longing and pride carry us through. What fun, sweet children you have!
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Jen Reply:
March 7th, 2012 at 1:13 pm
They do totally carry us through.
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So, so sweet. Sometimes I think my Big Girl has gotten so big, but then I catch her playing with something or making up some pretend story and I realize that she is still so very little.
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Im jealous of these unscripted moments! I can’t wait until my little man is old enough to just “be” with me.
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The sweetest. Store this in your brain and save it for those tough days…..
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Jen Reply:
March 7th, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Yup. That is why I wrote it down.
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AACKK they start soo young with the girls.. oh wait I remember having a crush on a boy in first grade.. umm yeah moving on. I miss these moments. But occasionally they come back around even with the big 19 yr old. I think everyone needs their mommy again at some point and just need to breathe that moment of knowing there is someone who loves us regardless.
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Sometimes you just cannot hold them close enough. I love it when my oldest tells me about his day. And I want him to always want to do that. Even when he’s an adult.
I love your second to last line of this post…
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Jen Reply:
March 7th, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I too always want Hayden to tell me about this day and things that happen in his life. I am hoping that by starting early, he will always do it.
He has too. I need it.
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Amazing how fleeting out moments of quiet are…and yet they can be so productive. Maybe some clip on for Hayden.
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This is beautiful. You captured the moment so vividly.
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Loved this post! That is a magical moment. And yes, I don’t want them to grow up too quickly. A first grade boy getting pierced ears huh— not sure what to think about that one.
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I think I have fallen in love with this post.
I love those stolen moments when our ever-growing children let us remember the days when we were the center of their world.
And the ear piercing? I’m struggling with letting my 6 year old GIRL get her’s pierced. A boy? Oh my.
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