After the birth of Quinn, Jake and Claire, I had my tubes tied aka tubal ligation. It was the perfect time since my belly was already wide open. The doctors could easily reach in there and tie those tubes up making sure that there would be no more little babies coming from me.
I was fine with this. I was what I wanted. When Jeff and I started the process of child making, we had decided that 2 kids would be all we wanted. So getting double was more than enough.
During the whole conception part, we hit bumps in the road. Going through infertility treatments the first time was difficult but going through them the second time was an emotional hell that almost crippled me. I knew that I could not go through that again and survive emotionally.
So 4 kids is enough.
Done.
Family complete.
There should be no longing, no urge, no need for another baby.
Right?
Well, you would think so. But even though I am happy with and love my children very much and I can’t see myself having another baby.
There is still a small part of me that yearns to be pregnant again. A part of me that aches to hold a tiny newborn infant. And yes, there is even a part of me that wants to wake up for those 2am feedings.
Most of the time, I can silence this little voice. Well, my current children do the best job of silencing it but there are sometimes that it just gets the best of me.
All I can think about is having another baby. I think about what it would be like to have a ’surprise’. My tubes just untie and I magically conceive without medical help and there you go, a fifth baby for us.
When these feeling come up, I often wonder why? I am very content with the children that I have. I don’t think I could handle anymore without being committed.
Our family is complete.
Why do I wish for more?
After reading this post, written by one of my good friends, a light bulb went off and I got an answer to this question.
During Hayden’s infancy, I had no idea what I was doing (still don’t). I was a nervous wreck. Always second guessing myself. Always calling my mom for advice on what to do or not to do. Always learning new things about what it was like to be a mother.
I also feel like I rushed his younger years. I was constantly wishing for him to do the next big thing. I was constantly reading ahead on how to handle the next step that I didn’t enjoy was he was doing at that moment.
I was so excited to have another child because I had learned so much from my successes and failures. I felt more confident as a mother. I knew that when the second time came, I would be able to enjoy it and go more with the flow.
Well, the second time came and it was triplets. Back came all those fears and uncertainties. How was I going to be a mother to triplets?
After they were born, I figured it out but it was a blur. I have very limited memories of the first 6 months of their lives. I was in survival mode, moving from one task to the next.
I never got to enjoy them and when I felt that I could slow down and enjoy. It was too late. They were no longer tiny babies.
I feel like I was cheated out of my turn to enjoy having a baby. I don’t mean that each time I had a child or children, it wasn’t a joy. But I did not get my turn to take it slow and really cherish each and every moment of having a new tiny baby.
So do I really yearn for a new baby or just a chance to go back in time and do it all again but at a slower pace?
Most likely, the latter. But I will never get either chance so I am just going to have to slow down and enjoy the curiosity and wisdom of a five year old and the energy and giggles of three two year olds.
