My uterus and I are having a… disagreement.
She wants to constantly purge herself day after day, week after week and I want her to stop.
Over the years, we have not had the best relationship.
First there was the time back in middle school when all my friends were becoming ‘women’ and I was not. She took her sweet time in making me a woman so much so that my friends made fun of me and told me maybe I was supposed to be a man.
Next there was the time and I wanted to have babies and she was like, “oh hell no!” She even got the ovaries on her side and had them refuse to make any eggs that are needed for the baby making process. But then I showed her because I got me a doctor that helped me get pregnant once with an over 10 pound baby and then with three babies at once.
Yup, I sure got the last laugh in that one.
After that we didn’t speak at all and she was still and silent for years but recently, she has come back and made her presences know with a vengeance.
I tried to talking with her. I tried reasoning with her but she just will not stop and I don’t know about you but there is only so much riding of the crimson wave that I can take.
So I have once again taken myself and my uterus to a doctor.
The doctor did an exam, ordered blood work and set us up for an ultrasound.
I am no stranger to vaginal ultrasounds. In the days of my fertility treatments, I had one every other day.
I got to know that probe very well.
And I don’t know about you but I have felt kind of cheated because no one offered to buy me dinner. I have always thought that if you are going to get a vaginal ultrasound done, they could at least buy you dinner and maybe drinks first before, you know… invading your ‘personal space’.
But those days have long been gone, a thing of the past, until recently.
The appointment was made and I dutifully filled my bladder by drinking 32oz of water an hour before. I then drove to the ultrasound center, praying the whole time that I had done enough Kegel exercises to keep me from peeing my pants.
The ultrasound tech was nice, very proper and unusually chatty as she pushed on my bladder to get good pictures of my uterus. I tried to laugh at her jokes and make small talk but all I could do was squeeeeze every muscle in the lower half of my body so that I didn’t pee on the table.
Finally, she gave me the ok to empty my bladder and then it was time for the internal exam.
I lay back and waited. I don’t care how often you have been in that position with your feet in stirrups, lady parts flapping in the wind and ass hanging off the table, it’s just plain uncomfortable.
Once the tech had the probe properly covered and lubed, she looked at me and said, “Ok reach under the sheet and insert the probe like a big dildo.”
Say, what?
“Reach under the sheet and insert the probe like a big dildo or very large tampon,” she said again.
I starred at her waiting for her to laugh or smile or something to let me know this was a joke but she kept a completely serious face, waiting for me to do what she asked.
I took a deep breath and did the only thing I could do, I reached down and inserted that probe just like she said.
And all this because I am fighting with my uterus.
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh man. That uterus of yours is a bitch. She owes you one, that’s for sure. I hope she retreats soon.
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Wait why did you have to do it?? Seems like since she was down there she could have. Sorry your uterus is being mean
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Jen Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 9:50 am
I know. In all the ultrasounds that I had… I have never been asked to do the inserting.
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Do people just toss around the word dildo like it’s nothing these days? I mean, mine would be way bigger than a tampon, FFS.
I recently got an IUD. Talk about being pissed off at my Ute. Let’s say the adjustment period {heh} has been awful.
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Kelly W Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 11:38 am
It took my body something like 6 months to regulate once I had my IUD put in. I hope it all works out! Such a pain in the a$$!
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I’m sitting here with my mouth hanging open. Not that you are writing about your bitchy uterus, but because she asked you to insert the probe. Of all the times I had those done I NEVER inserted the probe myself. Or had anyone call it a dildo.
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hilarious!! Change doctors!!
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You’d think she would have referred to it as a tampon BEFORE a dildo, at least!
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Sorry but I think technically that was HER job not yours.. really??
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Holy frijoles! I have never had to insert a transvaginal probe for any of those lovely ultrasounds. What in the world???
And I’m sorry your uterus is being a crack whore to you. I never understood why, when we’re done having kids, our uteruses (uteri??) don’t just fold up shop and follow the last kid out. Mine’s about as useful as an appendix now.
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Jen Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 9:51 am
Exactly! Just take it out… I don’t want it any more and don’t want to deal with it.
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I got to do that once too. And I thought the tech must have been kidding at first too. I was all, HUH? and then I did what I was told. Awkwardly.
This post cracked me up. Of course. And it also makes me wonder about that whole tubal thing. I still need to email you.
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Jen Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 9:52 am
I have been wondering if this is related to getting my tubes tied. I have issues before having kids but never like this.
I plan to ask my doctor about it.
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Is it just me or does your cuterus picture look similar to the Kool-Aid man? That’s all I have – I’ve never been asked to insert something so I cannot relate. Sorry.
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Jen Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 9:52 am
Really?! You can’t relate to being asked it insert a vaginal probe?
Interesting… I thought all people could.
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I love your humorous take on this. I have had the same problem as u since I delivered my last baby almost 2 yrs ago! Its a real bitch, and I was given the exact instructions as u at the last 2 ultrasounds! The first time I was like WHAT?
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Jen Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 9:53 am
At somethings, you just gotta laugh.
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WOW. I gotta get me a ultrasound just so that I can check out that probe! Hope your cuterus starts behaving…
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Hahahahaha. Man, my doctor appointments aren’t nearly as exciting!
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When my uterus was being evil I had to have one of those…but she wasn’t as colorful. She did the deed herself. I would definitely have rather put it in….ewww. This whole comment is making me want to crawl into a ball in the corner “This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening.”
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Wow, I hope doctors don’t make us start inserting and cranking the speculum too. But as always your story made mr chuckle.
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What a tech. I’ve had more of those ultrasounds than I care to remember but no one has ever referred to the wand that way. Hope you get some resolution soon.
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What?! You had to insert it yourself. Wow, awkward! lol.
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OMG, seriously? She said “dildo”? NO WAY!!
I’ve had a ton of vaginal u/s, and no one has ever been so casual about it. I probably would have burst out laughing.
I’m sorry you’re fighting with your uterus right now. I am too. She’s a BLEEPING bitch. I hope you don’t have an endometrial biopsy or hysteroscopy. I had both last month. Not fun.
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Ohhh yeah. Thanks to my messed up uterus regular ultrasounds didn’t work for me when I was pregnant. So I had to insert that “large tampon” every time. Fun! :-\
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OH MY HECK!
I think I would have asked to turn my sexy music from my iPhone on first!
HA!
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oh. my. God.
I am most definitely not shy, and no stranger to the ultrasound up the bag, but I don’t know if I could have done it myself…
isn’t that, like, not allowed or something?
did she just take over for you after, or is she getting paid to do nothing?
you poor poor soul…
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Uh… uh… feeling a little speechless (and that doesn’t happen often. lol). So… isn’t that what she’s paid to do? I mean, can you imagine asking your patient to clean their own bedpan or whatever? Seriously. Or how about the doc asking you to make that first incision. But after she called it a dildo, I TOTALLY would have busted out laughing. Or asked her since you had to do it yourself could she at least talk dirty to you. You must have been stunned. Frankly, I’m stunned. And yes, the uterus is the bitchiest organ of them all.
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Wow!! I am sitting here in my office cracking up at this post. I know you had written another post about wondering if you should keep blogging. I just want you to know that i look forward to reading your posts and they never fail to crack me up. It brighten’s my day at the office.
)
I really can’t believe that the tech called it not just a Dildo but a BIG Dildo and that you had to insert it. Don’t they get paid to do these things? You should have asked if you get a discount on your bill to your insurance if you do it yourself.
Thanks for the laugh and i hope that you find a resolution for your angry uterus.
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HUH!?!?! Okay, that’s just weird. Maybe she’d had enough of her job that day? And she had an interesting choice of vocabulary too, didn’t she…
I hope you and your uterus start getting along better…
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Sorry that you have an angry uterus. I can relate. I have had the good fortune of not being asked to insert the wand myself. I did however suffer one of the most humiliating moments of my gyne life. I was hemorrhaging all over the tech and the floor and just about everywhere. So as the tech has her magical wand inserted she says, “hey, I know you, aren’t you the VP of the PTA” umm, yeah, yeah I am. She spent the rest of the exam complaining about the Fundraiser that year. While I laid there petrified, scanning the screen for cysts, she complained about the candles we sold!
I hope you and you uterus are feeling better soon!
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“I got to know that probe very well.”
DYING here!!!!!
Yeah the dildo ultrasounds suck. I didn’t even know they had those until I moved down here. It freaked me out.
Hope you get some answers. Kick your uterus’ ass!
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I’m with the rest of the “Jaw-on-chest-you-had-to-insert-it-yourself?!?!?!”" crowd.
No. No thank you, No.
What I do down there is private and none of your business. What you as my physician do down there is medical and impersonal and I am doing my darned best to to pretend that though I am polietely responding to your conversation, actually I’m far, far, FAR away while you’re doing it. Do NOT drag me back here because I’m not really here at all.
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Wow. You had to insert the probe yourself? So, while you’re bottom half is hanging out in the fresh air, the tech asked you to do it? Like a dildo? Haha! What’s going through her mind? Yikes!
I hope you and your uterus work things out!
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