I knew that this was coming. I had been thinking about it and preparing for it for sometime.
It is just a natural progression of life, everyone goes to kindergarten in fact some people even go twice.
This is just something that everyone must go through. It just happens to be time for Hayden to go through this.
But there is just one problem. I know all this, my brain was aware and had been making preparations but along the way I forgot to tell in my heart.
When the packet arrived in the mail this week, with all the paper work that needs to be filled out and all the dates for meetings to attend, my brain went into action adding things to the calendar, filling in the information, lining up a baby sitter or two but my heart,
my heart began to ache.
How in the world could we be at this place already?
I still remember the morning after Hayden was born. Just the two of us sitting in my hospital bed, cradling him in my arms. Just looking at him. I was over come with emotion that can’t be explained but every mother knows it once her child is born. And the love, this new and wonderful love that I had never felt before filled my heart.
I did not know it was possible to love an other person that much. The saying is so true, I felt as if my heart was right there in my arms. The fact that I could love this person that much only hours after we had been formally introduced was baffling and overwhelming. There was no stopping the tears. Tears of joy and fear and worry and what ifs but mostly just tears of love.
I remember coming home from the hospital on my 25th birthday, walking into the house, sitting on the couch and looking at my new baby sleeping soundly in his infant carried and asking Jeff, “Now what? Now what do we do?”
I remember mornings while I was still on maternity leave after Jeff had left for work. I would go and gather Hayden from his crib and crawl back into bed. I would hold him close to me as we both slept for a few more hours. His little body fit so perfectly cradled in my arms, under my chin and next to my chest. It was like he was meant to be there and of course he was because that is where your heart is suppose to go.
All those memories are so fresh in my mind that it just doesn’t seem like it can be possible that this fall he will be going off to kindergarten. He will be going off to start the beginning of his educational career that God only knows where it will take him.
Time is just so funny. I wished it away as a child and teenager and now, I want it to slow down. I mean, I blinked and now he is going to be going to kindergarten. I feel like I am going to blink again and he will be in middle school and then in a heart beat he will be in college and off to start a life of his own and maybe even a family.
I am truly excited for him to start this journey. I know that he is ready. I am not worried one bit about how he will do in kindergarten, he is going to love every minute. In fact, his little mind is just yearning for it.
It just breaks my heart because I know that him going off to kindergarten is just one of the many times that I am going to have to let go.
I am going to have to slowly loosen my hold of this child and send him,
send my baby…
my heart
off into the world. I don’t know if I am ready and I don’t know if I ever will be but I guess the is why I have Faith.
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My son will start kindergarten next fall and I’m already dreading it. I know exactly how you’re feeling. This post is a few weeks old, so how is it going? Has it gotten any easier?
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Jen Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
This post was actually written last year. This year Hayden is doing kindergarten again and yes, it was a little easier to send him off but it still pulls at my heart strings. He is going to be 6 in a month and I don’t know why but that just feel so old to me. He is no longer in that ‘pre-schooler’ phase and before I know it, he will be in high school.
Time just goes but way too fast.
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