He gets off the bus looking defeated. And some days the tears stream down his face before he is off the first step.
My heart breaks.
“Mom why are they so mean to me?” Hayden cries his face buried in my neck. “I don’t eat trash off the floor, I don’t!”
His little body just sobs in my arms as the bus pulls away, “God! I hate the bus.” I say under my breath.
Hayden wears his heart on his sleeve, wants to please everyone and can be overbearing at times. But really all he wants is someone to be his friend.
Isn’t that all any of us want?
He doesn’t understand someone not letting him sit with them. He would never say no to a person. He doesn’t get the fun in calling someone names.
Last year, we dealt with a girl who pushed Hayden around and made him do things that were far too mature for a 5 year old. This year, there is a 5th grader who verbally taunts and teases him.
As a parent, I really struggle with what to do.
My first instinct is to swoop in and save him. I want to pull Hayden off that bus and sometimes even out of school but is that the right choice… teaching him to run from his problems?
I want Hayden to learn to stand up for himself, to be strong and not take any-one’s shit. I don’t want him to think, “Oh mom will deal with my problems for me.”
Jeff and I have instructed Hayden that when someone is not being nice to him, physically or with words, he needs to ask them to stop. If they don’t stop then he needs to go and find an adult to help him. If they still don’t stop and the adult doesn’t help, then Hayden is to fight back.
Hayden doesn’t have a competitive or confrontational bone in his body so it is the fighting back part that he struggles with.
Unfortunately, Hayden’s bus driver thinks that he is just a little tattle tale. I have watched her roll her eyes at his issues with this older boys and tell him that she is sure, “they didn’t mean it”. The one adult on that bus who is supposed to protect my child is not doing anything.
Hold me back, I will rip her face off.
But can I really blame her? She is in charge of driving a bus full of sometimes 20 or more children. If she takes her eyes off the road to deal with every child’s complaint how can that be safe?
I have an internal battle in my head. One side says that I should run to the school and scream and yell that my son is being mistreated. Someone needs to do something about this. The other said says, again what is that teaching Hayden in the long run? So far, this is nothing more than some kid telling Hayden he can’t sit with him and that he eats trash.
But is that how is starts for those kids who end up taking their lives because the pain and suffering of bullying is so bad?
Hayden doesn’t know the name of this kid so I have not talked to the school. I have talked with the bus driver and she will “watch the situation more carefully.” What he decided to do was to give Hayden a break from the bus for a couple of weeks and in that time, Jeff and I have started to teach our son the art of comebacks and sarcasm.
“Hayden, if that boy says that you eat trash,” I begin with Jeff looking on, “instead of insisting that you don’t, you need to think of a comeback.”
Hayden looks at me confused.
“You need say something like… ‘oh yeah, you like to lick money butts’” Jeff says.
Hayden giggles.
“Or say, ‘you smell like monkey farts’” I add.
Hayden giggles some more.
“See, those are comebacks.” Jeff explains, “They are not true of this boy but they are silly things that you can say that will hopefully make him and others laugh so that what he is saying about you not so funny any more. Do you think you can do that?”
Hayden nods.
I give him a big hug and suggest that we practice.
Soon Hayden Jeff and I are all laughing about monkey farts and I smile in Hayden’s laughter. This is how he should always be.
We tell him good night and in my heart, I say a prayer that this is the right thing to do.
A few days later, I get my answer.
Hayden runs up to me. ”Mom. Mom. Mom.” he says with a huge grin on his face as he hugs me.
“What?” I look at him with excited anticipation.
“I got to use my comebacks today,” he says with a huge smile, “And you know that they worked. I told that boy his butt smelled like monkey farts and everyone laughed and he stopped being mean to me. I did it mom!”
I pulled my son into my arms and hugs him like I was trying to pull him back into me. At that moment, my heart was so full of his joy it could have burst.
“Mom, you’re hurting me.” Hayden said as he wiggled out of my embrace.
And even though ever fiber of my being didn’t want to, I let him go.
Always nice when a story has a happy ending
Ugh. That is SO horrible! I just felt sick reading it and was ready to take that kid DOOOOWN so I can’t imagine how you must feel!! But good for you for giving him the tools to handle it himself. And such a GREAT idea to give him comebacks instead of “just ignore it” or whatever. sounds like it worked! HOORAY! Go Hayden!
This post had me feeling so upset, then so angry, and then just so happy for him! I hate the bullying aspect of it, but I love that you worked with him to find a way to first stand up for himself in a funny and not aggressive way. Humor is a powerful tool.
I truly believe that. Humor is awesome.
Oh this hurts my heart… not the part about him taking up for himself, but the rest of it. Cady has started to ride the bus some days and I just hate it. I don’t like her being around the older kids because I know how they are.
We’ve taught her the same things, be nice, tell someone to stop, go to an adult, and fight back when necessary. She’s like Hayden and just wants to be everyone’s friend and totally doesn’t get why some people act they way they do.
I’m not sure what I would have done in this situation, probably went over the bus driver’s head, but I’m glad that Hayden feels empowered and has learned that he can take up for himself.
The end made me cry. I weep happy, proud tears! Thank you so much for sharing!
My boys ride the bus with K-4th grade. Our bus driver is awesome – she separates the children by grade and makes them sit together. Or sometimes it’s the boys in the front of the bus, the girls in the back. I definitely don’t think younger children and 5th graders should be allowed to sit near each other unsupervised on a bus!
I agree with you. I heard our bus drive was going to separate the kids because of what happened to Hayden. I hope this works.
This happened to my son. It stopped after he joined a football team and he found out how strong he is. Now he doesn’t let anyone put him down. We had to enroll him in several sports before he got a confidence boost. He’s now 10.
Stupid effing school bus.
That is where ALL the crap happened when I was a kid too. Because the playgrounds were separated by age.
My parents would have told me to ignore the person and would have been mortified if I told them they smell like monkey butt. I, however, would not have ignored and I would have used the monkey butt come back.
I think being straight with your kids and teaching them about comebacks (harmless ones, not hurtful ones), is great.
We’ve already started. “Your Mom” is a perfectly acceptable response to just about anything in our house.
Nothing sweeter than the zing of the monkey butt fart!
Seriously, you are a woman with far more self control than I have. I would be knocking heads!
I have a very level-headed husband who talks me down and helps teach me and our son a better way.
Sometimes I hate this about him but other times.. it’s good.
The lump was riding in my throat this whole post until the end! So happy it worked. And yes, I am always trying to teach my kids if you don’t let it bother you and they see it’s not bothering you that it won’t be fun to tease you anymore.
Pretty much most of my worst childhood memories all occurred on the bus- stupid bus.
Wow! Bullying scares the heck out of me for my daughter. well done MaMMa! It’s so hard for us to not have SOMEONE take the responsibility for a child’s actions who is not our own or under our authority. Yeah Hayden!
What a great idea! Fight back with humor! Way to go, mom and dad!
I worry about that so much with 2 daughters and had no idea what I would do if they got bullied. Thank you for the great idea, I’m totally stealing it.
I cried at the end! Good for you for having the will power of not flying off the handle and the wisdom to guide your little one to win the battle of the bully. Good job, Hayden!
I’m not even sure I can express how wonderfully you handled this situation. Seriously. LOVE. IT.
xo
I wish we didn’t have to deal with things like this.
Why can’t people just be good parents and teach their little monsters to be nice!
I’m glad that you guys came up with a solution!
I LOVE this! Made me get teary, too.
We’ve tried to teach humor as a defense too… I think it helps on many levels. It diffuses the situation, it makes others look at the bully with less respect, and raises the kid cracking the joke’s respect with everyone. In my opinion, anyway.
Bravo!!!
Thats awesome! Love the comebacks! I probably would have told my kid to kick him in the balls and don’t get caught! Lol!
reading the beginning of your post I started getting upset. How dare a bigger boy pick on a much younger boy. I hate bullying. At the end though I had tears in my eyes too. In my day I was told to ignore it. I can tell you this does not work and the bullies keep after you. Good for you and for Hayden.