Commando

“Oh come on!” I said as I took all my clothes out of my bag and laid them out on the bed.

We had spent the day at the beach. It one of the last times that we would get to enjoy the beautiful Michigan lake shore since school is here  and soon there will be a chill in the air signaling fall’s arrival.

Like most people, I had spent the day in my swimsuit in that half wet state.  The water was too nice to out of it for long so that meant that over the course of the day my swimsuit didn’t really get a chance to dry out.

Now that we were back at the cottage, getting ready for dinner, I wanted nothing more than to change into dry clothes and stop the chaffing that comes with being in wet clothes.

“I can’t believe this,” I said to the room, “I can pack everyone else’s things but of course, I forget mine.”

I rummaged through my clothes again, you know hoping that through magic what I was missing would just appear.

Yup, it was true… I had remembered every item of clothing I needed… a shirt, shorts, bra, a belt but I had forgotten underwear.

“Great. Just great,” I huffed.

I stood in the room, weighing my options.

“I wonder if I could get Claire’s underwear to fit me?” I pondered, “Or maybe I could convince Jeff that he didn’t really need his but I don’t think boxers would be any better.”

I shook my head.

“Fine. Fine, commando it is!” I said mostly trying to convince myself this was a good idea.

I know there are many people that wear little or no underwear. They swear by it but it is just not for me. Maybe my vagina is too big, a little too floppy but I just get uncomfortable with my lady parts flapping in the breeze.

I stepped in my shorts and pulled them up. I swayed my hips side to side feeling all the room in the shorts.

“Maybe this won’t be so bad,” I said as I pulled up the zipper…

“HAIR HAIR! Oh My God, that’s my hair!”

I shoved my hand in my pants to pull the hairs out of the zipper.

“Holy hell, that hurt!” I screamed.

When things seemed to all be in a place, I realized the breath I was holding and  opened the door to walk out of the room.

Walking around was not too bad and I noticed a nice breeze coming up my legs. Maybe commando wasn’t going to be as horrible as I thought.

Soon the kids bounded in the cottage and the chaos of children under feet began. While my mom, aunt and I didn’t the dance of making dinner, I kind of forgot about my easy breezy situation down there.

The evening was going well and I was left wondering if maybe all those people who swore by going commando were onto something. I was getting a little breeze, no bits on my lady parts were falling out of my shorts, things were good… until I started the ‘up down dance’ that happens with kids at a potluck dinner.

“Mommy, I need a napkin,” one kid would say.

Up I’d stand to get said napkin and “Oohht”… hairs pulled out from my lady bits.

“Mommy, I need a drink,” one kid would say.

Up I’d stand to get said drink and “Hhhhaahh”… hairs pulled out from my lady bits.

“Mommy, I need another hamburger,” one kid would say.

And up I’d stand to get said hamburger  and “Mmmddtt”… hairs pulled from my lady bits.

“Alright, fine!” I said after I was pretty sure my shorts had given me the most painful bikini wax in history only to be wrong and have another clump of my hair pulled out.

“I am done!” I muttered as I stomped off,  “Apparently, I am not well ‘manicured’ enough for commando!”

“I’ll say so,” Jeff muttered through a mouth full of food.

I wanted to smack him up side the head but the hair pulling in my groin would not let me.

So with that, I painfully huffed off to find my swimsuit bottom because chaffing in wet bottoms is a heck of a lot less painful than a bikini wax via shorts zipper.

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Comments

  1. Maybe those that go commando have had brazilians– don’t know from experience myself though :)

  2. ouch, ouch and double ouch! Hilarious though.

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  3. Oh, Jen. Seriously dying here.

    I had a college roommate that swore by it. For the “up down” moments and the jeans rubbing the right way. I don’t get it, either!

  4. I could totally picture you making those hair-pulling noises!! BAHAHWAHAHAHA!!!

  5. OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD!!

    I just laughed so hard – in sympathy of course… oh my gawd. .

    M

  6. I don’t wear undies much. So I try to stay well groomed. It’s worth it for the breeze. xo

  7. good lord this made me giggle this morning. totally something that would happen to me. i heart undies! for much the same reasons you’ve described…

  8. I must admit that I’m not a commando kind of girl either. This post makes me really happy that I’ve never given it a go.

  9. Ha! This was funny! I’ve recently heard of women that laser the hair down there….

  10. I am embarrassed the number of times that we had to take a trip to the store once we arrived at our vacation destination so I could go buy a pack of underwear that I forgot to pack for myself. And they never have a brand or style I like and I end up with a six pack of some granny panties that come up past my waist with a seam up the front and back that I then have to align with the seam up the back of my pants so I don’t look like a dork.

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