“He needs to kick some ass and take some names,” I said to myself as I typed those words into my phone in a text to Jeff.
I don’t want to encourage my son to fight at school but something has to be done.
When words are not enough to stop a bully and adults aren’t helping, what else can I do?
Since Hayden began school, we have been dealing with him getting picked on at school or on the bus. It seems like Hayden is a target for mean kids to make fun of him.
This latest time is a kid on the play ground making fun of Hayden for playing ‘kitties’ with his friend.
“Mom, why does he make fun of me for something I love? That is just not right.” Hayden sobs into my shoulder, wiping his snotty nose on my shirt.
All I can do is hug him close and swallow back my own tears.
I have no answer for him.
He continues, “we try and run away from him but he follows us and starts again and when I go tell on him, he hides and the teachers don’t see.”
I hate seeing him so upset, it hurts my heart and makes me feel like a failure. I can’t protect him at school. I don’t know how to make this stop.
I want to get him my car and beat the every loving shit out of this kid. How dare he make fun of my child for playing and using his imagination. How dare he touch and hit my son out of anger.
Hayden avoids conflict like the plague. Even as a baby, when other kids would take a toy from him, he never cried. He just moved on to the next toy. He would rather give it up than cause trouble or make someone else sad.
He is not competitive and I am beginning to wonder about his self esteem.
Does he not think himself worthy of fighting back?
How do I show him that he is?
How to I teach him to stand up for himself?
Jeff and I have tried to give him tools to use. We have taught him about combacks and sass talking. We have told him to get angry and scream and yell at the bullies. We have said that fighting is not the answer but if someone hits you first, by God, hit them back.
Sometimes these things work but sometimes not and they don’t seem to keep new bullies from coming.
Hayden loves school and so far has not asked to stay home and never go back. He is a social person and craves that interaction with other kids.
I look at the pack mentality of my triplets and I wish Hayden would have been a multiple. Then there would always be a playmate for him, someone to help him stand up to the bullies. Jake, Claire and Quinn hate seeing Hayden so sad and often say, “We will help you, Hayden. We will make the mean kid stop!”
And I truly believe they will.
The videos and news stories of young kids, some as young as 11, committing suicide because the bullying was too much, hit so close to home for me. I can’t watch them without tears streaming down my face and sending up a prayer.
“Please, God. . . help me. Help keep Hayden from this pain.”
I often wonder, should I fight these battles for him?
I would in a heartbeat.
But is that the right choice?
Is that the way to teach him to be strong and to stand up for himself by me swooping in?
I want him to know that he can come to me and I will help him. Jeff and I are his number one supporters. I want him to see that we take this seriously and we are there for him.
He seems to understand but does he really?
There is an ache in my heart as I write this. . . I am at a loss. And as I sit here alone after putting the kids on the bus for school, sending Hayden back onto that play ground, I can no longer hold back the tears.
I have emailed teachers and made the school aware of the situation but it doesn’t seem like enough.
What else can do I because right now, it is taking every bit of will power I have not to drive to school and be by Hayden’s side.
*I just needed to Pour My Heart Out*
Oh my gosh! I am so sorry for your baby boy… I worry about this exact situation when my wigglers are in big kid school. My husband was like your boy, sweet and non-confrontational, when he was little. All he wanted was to play and make friends. His parents told him many of the same things about defending yourself that you and your husband are telling your son (use you words first but if someone starts a physical fight with you, you finish it). The bullying got pretty bad until one day he snapped and ended up breaking the kids arm in a fight. He was left alone after that. I tell you this not to freak you out but to say it was hard for my hubby at first but, after the fight, he learned a lot about himself and how tough he really was. He discovered he was powerful but still one of the good guys. He is an attorney now and a “defender of the weak”. I’m sure your son will discover that he is really a Superhero in disguise.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I need to hear a story of success… a story of how maybe this will turn into something positive for him.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this Jen. Really, I am. This is something that I wish that none of us as parents would have to go through.
No kid deserves to be picked on ever.
I know what happens… and often it doesn’t end well (I wrote about this exact thing today too).
I hope that things get squared away soon.
Oh no. This is full of suck. I’m so sorry you guys are going through this. I worry about this too as my oldest in now away from me the majority of the time. Granted he’s only in pre-school, but will start elementary school next year. He sounds a lot like Hayden. He is sensitive, but avoids conflict. He has a beautiful imagination, is gentle, and does not understand when others aren’t.
What’s upsetting is that it sounds like the school is not responding to your situation the way they should. I understand your inclination to follow right behind him to school… like a mama bear.
Oh man, my heart is aching right now! My girls are too young to have experienced this but I’ve been thinking about it a lot since Lil just entered Kindy and I know the bullying is right around the corner. I unfortunately don’t have any great words of advice besides continue to love him the way you have been and continue communicating with the school, and maybe even the other parents? Lots of love and hugs to you! xoxo
I lived this two years ago when my oldest was in kindergarten, the victim of bullying. It’s gut-wrenchingly painful. But you are right not to swoop in, but to keep building a tool kit, hugging, supporting . . . when he is able one day, as a child and later as an adult, to fight his own battles, your hard, frustrating work on the homefront will have been worth it.
And, of course, you’ve already contacted the school and tried to get them involved. That’s an important step, as well.
Have faith. And I’ll say a prayer for this to pass.
Thank you, my friend.
I would either contact the school or contact the bully’s parents. I had to do the latter once and it immediately stopped the problem. As kids get older they won’t let you do that anymore, but in elementary school you can….the parents of the boy who is bullying may not have any idea it’s happening, and might appreciate finding out, as the parent I reached out to did. We do want them to be strong and fight their own battles but he sounds too young right now – he shouldn’t have to be dealing with this. It’s completely unacceptable.
I have contacted the school and Hayden’s teacher is very helpful and doing what he can. The problem is that Hayden doesn’t know this kid or his name. I wish I could talk to this boy’s parents.
We went through something similar last year that BROKE my heart. I knew the mom of the kid hurting my son (verbally) but just knew if I talked to her and she then talked to her son, he would only make it worse. That’s how kids are. So I confided in his teachers and they promised to keep it secret and keep an extra eye out so that they could “catch” it without it being obvious that someone told. Like, if they caught him in the act or overheard, then they could naturally come up and do something about it. Nothing came of it really- it was the end of the school year but I’m glad I didn’t let it go. I’m glad I told them and was happy with their response. I just hated the whole scenario. Then we moved away. So.
I hope it eases up for you- it’s sickening and I’d stay on top of it and keep in communication with your child as much as you can!
Love to you-
Steph
I am SO sorry this is happening, Jen. We have not had much trouble with this (so far!) but I know it happens a lot. My oldest would be like Hayden but if anyone every picks on Gavin they better watch out because he will NOT take it.
Thinking of you today, and hoping the situation gets better ASAP!!
xoxo
Thanks for sharing this! We spent 3 years dealing with the same mean girl (1st -3rd grade). I was surprised at how intensely I could dislike this young girl, how manipulative and nasty she could be. I feel like I’ve put a target on my daughter’s back by encouraging her to be compassionate and empathetic instead of sarcastic and mouthy. She can’t compete with the kids whose parents allow them to be rude and mean-spirited and call it “funny”. We’ve tried to be realistic and explained that, sadly, this will not end with elementary school so now is the time to learn how to cope. I’ve even discussed that a lot of kids who are mean are really not happy with themselves. We build her up as much as possible, but I’m always afraid for her, and what I’d really like to do is punch the mean kids (and maybe their parents) in the face.
Ugh!! Such a helpless feeling!
Someone said something mean to Maile on the school bus and she made bracelets to bring them the next day on the school bus. Sometimes I think winning a kid over with kindness really might be the ticket. Is this kid someone that could come over for a pizza playdate? Can you wrap up a freaking transformer and have Hayden give him a gift that might cause this kid to LOVE Hayden? Obviously I’m no professional because buying a kid off probably is not what the professionals would tell you to do…but you never know!
I like your suggestion. I am a big believer in ‘killing them with kindness’. It usually works. I might see what Hayden thinks about giving this kid something.
I know how you feel. I’ve been there with Cady. Finally I convinced her to fight back, even though she hated it with every fiber of her being. It helped with the one girl, but like you said, it doesn’t stop the others. I think (legally) all we can do is just what you are doing. Tell him over and over and over that he is worthy and he has the right to be who he is and that NO one has the right put their hands on him or call him names or be mean. If it doesn’t stop or gets worse you should consider meeting with the teacher and administrative staff at the school to see what can be done about it besides the steps you’ve already taken.
Oh girl- just reading this brought me to tears. I so wish kids did not have to go through this– and they shouldn’t, it isn’t fair or right! It sounds like you and Jeff are giving him great ideas and it is good he is talking with you about it.
I was bullied for quite a bit my third grade year on the bus and I don’t think I ever told my mom, I just sucked it up and dealt with it and that terrifies me that one of my kids might do the same and I won’t be there at least for them to cry on as I won’t know.
Hayden not talking to me is one of my worse fears. I don’t want him to just ‘take it’. I want him to know that there are people there who will help. He doesn’t always want to talk but I usually get the story out.
Oh girl. He sounds like my oldest. Who apparently made the “mistake” of calling a dog a “doggie” which is a crime in 2nd grade. So he was mocked and called “doggie” for days. And he thinks he can’t fight back b/c he knows he’s not supposed to call people names or hurt them. So he was just taking it- and getting more and more upset.
Why are other kids so mean? Doesn’t it seem like kids are meaner now than when we were kids? That bullying is more of an issue? Maybe b/c when we were growing up, if an adult told us to do something, we actually did it- like if a teacher said not to pick on someone, we were mortified and listened. While that’s pretty much a joke these days. I don’t know how to fix it.
Sending love for your sweet boy. xo
I am so upset for you. The topic of bullying comes up a lot in our house (mostly because I am so sensitive having once been the 6′ tall girl in 6th grade). We teach our kids to stick up for anyone who is getting picked on. I also worry about my kids being on the rec’ving end at some point. I’m sending hugs your way, for you and your sweet, sweet son.
It’s so hard to watch that happen to your child – my daughter put up with it for a bit in grade 4 when the classic “mean girl” figured out Al wasn’t the same kind of girl she was… but the “mean girl” wasn’t satisfied with just picking on 1 girl – she aimed for all of them in a very small class.
Karma – which usually takes ages to come around did rather quickly. At first the “mean girl” (yeah, that’s actually what I call her in my head as she looks like all the “mean girls” in every movie that’s ever been made with a “mean girl” in it) just got to my daughter then she realized there were a few more who weren’t like her in every way, shape or deed. But before she moved on she got her Mom to call the school saying she was bullied and didn’t want to go to school because my daughter was bullying her. That lasted for 3 days then the other Moms started calling in and naming her as the bully to their daughters, yeah – hard to be bullied when you’re the bullier…
I will give my school props – there were 3 meetings about bullying with all the class and the Vice Principal talked to the bus driver to look out for it on the bus and all the children in surrounding classes, he did a good job of it and it’s quieted down. BUT I swear I wanted to go rip that child in 1/2… and her parents too.
You DON’T hurt my child and live. You just don’t. It was a killer to tell my daughter what she could do and watch her deal with it because it was time she learned to deal with the bullies of the world as there are far too many of them.
Now she has to deal with a teacher who likes to shout and wave other’s mistakes around (like all the teacher’s in movies who hold other children’s mistakes up for all to see) because these people are every where… not just schools. And I STILL want to go to the school and tear the teacher a new one – and I’m not a violent woman! I’m a pacifist who would rather everyone just get along but I’d like to tape the woman and force her to watch as someone points out her every mistake to her in a crowd of her peers.
Sorry, I ranted.
I really do sympathize. When I was in the middle of it I called around to find out what other schools do and got the school to have some speakers come in and talk to ALL the children about bullying and how not to live with it. Did your school do that yet? Especially around “Pink Day” in september.
M
This makes me so sad and angry. My kids went through the same thing a couple of years ago. I pretty much begged them to fight back, and they just didn’t have that in them. I went as far up the chain of command at school as I could with no success, so I took them out of the environment. They home schooled for two years, but they are social too, and there just wasn’t enough interaction with other kids to satisfy that. They went back to school this year (their decision), but only after they’d had the chance to build up their self esteem. I drilled it into their heads that they are worth being treated kindly and with dignity and respect. I told them that they are better than no one, but no one is better than them. They’re doing ok this year, but there are still mean people, and, unfortunately there always will be. They’ve just learned to deal with it differently. I wish all people would raise there kids to be kind to everyone, and to actually give a damn how they make others feel. The sad fact is though, that a lot of the parents probably treat people this way as well. The kids had to learn it from somewhere.
Good luck to you and your son. Just keep building him up, so that others cant tear him down. No one deserves that crap!!!
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Every day, I am going to find some way to build him up and grow his self esteem.
Poor little bunny! I hate this for both of you. I think just talking with him about it, letting him know how those kids are wrong and consistently reminding him that you are there for him and that he is unique and strong and good – those will help him have the strength. The blessing here is that at leas the knows he can come to you – I suspect some of those kids who don’t survive bullying didn’t have that feeling (whether it was true or not).
HUGS HUGS HUGS
jen. i’m so so so pissed for you, that you have to deal with this. i was bullied. my kid was bullied a bit in Kindy. i don’t know how to make the hurt stop for them. as a parent, you totally want to just kick some ass, don’t you?
I had to deal with these issues and my son. You did the right thing by documenting and putting it in an email. If things don’t improve quickly, I would go talk with the principal or whatever administrator deals in behavior. This is such a hot issue right now, a school’s administrator’s should be quick to do something. I have never been a helicopter parent but on this issue I pushed a bit and was pleased to see the response. Good luck. But you are right. You want your child to stick up for themselves. In my son’s case, the worst one was a middle school girl on the school bus. A eighth grader picking on a first grader. Unbelievable.
This completely breaks my heart. Kids are so cruel- but you did the right thing!
So I was actually up thinking about you and your son last night. Just my two cents: if you’ve given him tools and words and communication but the kids still pick on him, I think it’s totally reasonable to fight the battle for him. It’s leading by example and still providing critical learning while also teaching him that his parents will protect him when he cannot do it for himself at this young age.
I hate that kids have to deal with this! Why can’t kids just be joyful kids? I hate to say, but it’s so true “Can’t we all just get along?” What’s really sad is that this bully is learning this behavior from somewhere. Somewhere along the line this kid was or is being bullied. Maybe by a parent, neighbor, older sibling or maybe by another kids at school. Let your son know he’s not in the wrong and this is not his fault. Maybe tell him that this kid is probably bullied by someone and ask him if he would like to play with them. I know I know, it sounds very polly anna, but it’s worth a shot. Again, I really have no idea what I’m talking about! LOL
I think we need a pack of moms to go class to class and scare the crap out of the kids before they think of bullying someone!
On a more serious note, when my triplets went to kindergarten last year I got screened and cleared to take their class out to recess for their teacher. I do it once a week. I got to know the kids and could help talk through some situations. Based on a story DS3 told me, I was not happy with something that happened on the playground. I immediately pulled the other kid aside and my heart melted and ached for this boy. He has trouble fitting in, he has learning difficulties and emotionally seems super scarred. The pain in his eyes is nothing a 5 year old should have. It made me deal with the situation, then help my son to learn about being kinds to others that are different sometimes.
This year my kids are being stalked by a little girl that wants to hug, kiss, tell them she loves them, sings Justin Beiber to them, yuck. So this week I was able to pull her aside with the boys and ask her why she does it and explain a better way to be friends with my boys by playing and not chasing. (seriously, isn’t it too early for this stuff??!!). We shall see next week how that worked
Oh, this made my heart hurt.
A friend of mine just went through a period of her kid getting picked on at school. I remember reading all of the facebook comments about how other moms handled these things, and one woman’s story intrigued me. She said that the school wouldn’t do anything when her kid was being bullied – the teachers just ignored it and the principal basically didn’t care. And she didn’t want to go to the bully’s parents as it would likely make things worse for her kids. So, after school one day, while all of the kids were playing, she cornered that asshat and put the fear of death into him. Problem solved. He’s never bothered her kid again. 
Go, mom, right?