It had been a long, emotional couple of days. The kids were finally in bed and Jeff was spending some time at the hospital with his mom. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch with my lap top and a tall glass of wine.
There were things going on at the hospital but I just wanted to relax and not think about everything. Things had been going so well with Loretta. She had be healing, getting out of bed and even eating real food. I was really hopeful that she was on the road to recovery but there was something that was putting a damper on that hope.
Thursday had been a really bad day and Friday wasn’t any better. She was having new issues and seemed to take a turn for the worse.
I just wanted to forgot those facts and for a few moments just let hope surround me. As I took a long sip of my wine, my phone beeped with a text message. It was from Jeff.
“Mom’s bp is not responding to meds. She says she is done. Wants hospice. Don’t call me yet, need to call John. Talk soon.”
That text set in motion the events of the next few hours that would forever change my life. It was important to get to the hospital quickly because Loretta was awake and asking for her family. I made arrangement for the kids and drove to the hospital.
I was one of the last people to arrive. People were gathered, good byes were being said. I felt so conflicted. I had been in this situation many times before but never as a family member and always as the nurse. I didn’t know how to cope with this as a member of the family. How are you suppose to say good bye to someone you love? How are you suppose to just let go?
Most of the family, including Jeff, made peace with what was going on and decided that since it was already after 2am, they would go home for the rest of the night. She was holding her own and comfortable with the morphine and seemed to show no signs that the end was near.
The problem with dying is that you just don’t when it will happen. It could be minutes, hours or days. You just don’t know.
But as people began to leave, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave her. I just had to stay.
Doug, her loving husband, crawled into bed with her to hold her close and I took my place next to the bed. With the lights low, we settled in to get some rest. But as much as I tried, I just couldn’t relax. So I let my mind wonder.
I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I had so many question running through my head. My heart was aching. My soul left defeated. My body emotional spent. To steady my thoughts, I counted her breathing.
16 breaths a minute.
How could she being giving up? I had seen other people just as sick as her get better. Why did I have to be wrong? Why didn’t she want to continue fighting? It just didn’t seem fair. She had so much to live for. She was being selfish. Why did she want to leave? Didn’t she know that I, we, needed her?
12 breaths a minute.
I feel like I am too young to be going through this. My kids are too young to lose a grandma. The fact that Jake, Quinn and Claire will never really know her, breaks my heart. Hayden was her special little boy, her namesake. How would he handle this? They had such a special relationship. She was always calling to pick him up for little outings. In fact the day that she got sick, she had taken him out to the museum. She would send him postcards and do other things to make him feel special. He always called her, “My Grandma B.” What would losing her be like for him.
8 breaths a minute.
Loretta was like a mother to me. She was always there whenever I needed her. We talked almost daily. I enjoyed her company and even though it annoyed me, I will miss her phone calls to check on us because she heard of an accident in our area and needed to check on us, the most. I depended on her wisdom to help me raise my sons. She has raised two wonderful men and I wanted to know what she did.
4 breaths a minute.
I knew that these past three weeks in the hospital had been very difficult for her. There was pain and immobility. This was not the kind of life she wanted. First it was the cancer and now this infection. They had both taken a toll on her body. She hated being like this. She was tired of fighting and really, I couldn’t blame her.
Doug’s snore snapped me from my thoughts. I watched as he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. Their love was so beautiful. He snuggled her close and I heard him whisper, “Honey, its ok to go. Just go. There is no need to linger. Just go.”
The tears rolled down my cheeks and the words from the song Temporary Home suddenly came into my head.
Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers
“Don’t cry for me, I’ll see you all someday”
He looks up and says
“I can see God’s face”
This is my temporary home, it’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
It was at that moment that God gave me the peace to accept that it was her time to ‘go home’. He was calling her home. I then whispered is a voice that I myself could barely hear, “Loretta, I love you but you can just go. Go to Jesus, be pain free, be healed.”
I took her hand and pressed it to my cheek. I close my eyes as the tears dropped off my chin and prayed, “Please God, just take her home. Just end this.”
Zero breaths a minute.
She died in the arms of her loving husband while I sat next to her bed and held her hand. She was an amazing woman and my life is better for her just being in it. She gave me her son, an amazing husband and father. I couldn’t ask for a better man to share my life with. She was deeply loved and will be greatly missed but as we told the kids, she will always be with us in our hearts. She is now our angel and will always, watch over us. She promised me that in her last words to me.
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
oh jen, i am so sorry for your loss. hoping that you are able to find some comfort and peace. keeping you in my thoughts + prayers. hugs…
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Jen, again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Such a powerful post and such a huge loss for your family. I’m sending many hugs, prayers and thoughts to you.
.-= Helene´s last blog ..A few good reasons to reveal those pearly whites… =-.
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Jen – I am struggling to find the words to this. You are so blessed to have had such an amazing woman in your life and such a relationship with your mother in law. Losing a loved one is never easy but what a blessing to have all been able to gather with her, say your good byes and be there until the end. I know she is in a better place, without sickness and pain. Always know you, your husband and your children have a very special guardian angel watching over you.
.-= Barbara Manatee´s last blog ..Mellow Yellow =-.
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I wish I knew what to say. She sounds like an amazing woman, and you were all so lucky to have her in your lives– and she, you. I guess all I can really say is that I wish you peace, and many happy memories of your time with her.
.-= Blythe´s last blog ..How Cover Letters Should Be =-.
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This is indeed sad, but so beautifully written. I can feel the love in your words, I just know Quinn, Claire, and Jake will get to know her well though the stories and memories you share.
.-= Catherine @ Evolving Mommy´s last blog ..The New Casa Evolving Mommy =-.
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I’m sorry for you’re having to go through this. We lost a friend this morning after a long, five year battle with cancer. There’s nothing I can say that you’ve not already heard from others but I do hope you feel the love and prayers of those around you.
.-= Leiah´s last blog ..Girls Just Wanna Have Fun =-.
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Jen.
Beautiful.
Tears. Hugs.
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I am so sorry for your loss….it brought tears to my eyes reading your post! The next few days will be hard on everyone. Know that you have friends praying for your family and sending our love!
.-= Tammy´s last blog ..Aloha Friday =-.
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What a beautiful and heartwrenching post. I am so sorry for your family’s loss.
xoxo
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I lost both my mother and father this past year. Losing someone you love very much is so hard….but the pain does ease. More importantly it is a blessing because as I told my sister this pain for their loss means we were loved and had good parents which is more than so many children have. I hope you and your family can “heal” quickly.
.-= Diane Prouty´s last blog ..At the very least JUST TALK TO YOUR KIDS!!! =-.
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That’s so sad – what a week you must be having. Will be praying for your family.
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I’m glad that you were there for her last breath.
.-= cristin´s last blog ..Virtual Birthday Bash. =-.
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So sorry for your loss. Beautiful post.
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That is such a beautiful piece of writing, I’m crying my eyes out. *Huge hugs* I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you can take strength from your faith and you’ll get through it as a family. My thoughts are with you all.
.-= Priness_L_88´s last blog ..A Photo Meme =-.
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I don’t think I’ve ever read a more moving post. Sounds like you were so blessed to have known and loved Loretta. I’m praying for you today.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..PSF and lollipops =-.
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Oh my gosh! That moved me to tears and that is like moving a mountain! I was just picturing myself in your shoes and how it will be when my mother-in-law passes. I will remember your words.
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I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have tears in my eyes for you and for my Dad. Listening to those last few breaths was so hard. There is that point where you realize you want them to let go because you love them so much and at that point, even breathing for them is just so hard.
.-= Scargosun´s last blog ..Dear Neighbors =-.
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I am so sorry…this made me cry. I know that song, and I am just so sorry that you have to go through this. I am close with my mother-in-law too, and dread the day. Thank you for sharing.
.-= Gail´s last blog ..Maybe It’s HIS Fortune =-.
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I’m so very very sorry for your family’s loss, Jen. Big hugs.
.-= Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..A Beginner’s Guide to Running – Tunes =-.
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wow. what a beautiful tribute.
so sorry for your loss.
.-= stephanie´s last blog ..this will be it… =-.
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I am so so sorry. So glad you were able to be there to witness that moment and feel that peace. Thank goodness we can all be together again someday.
.-= Emmy´s last blog ..Two For One =-.
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(((hugs)))
You are all in my prayers.
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May God surround you and your family. By the way you write about Loretta, she was a blessing to you through every minute and every passing word of wisdom. It sounds like she has given quite a legacy to your family.
My prayers are with you.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..I’m a winner!!! =-.
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I’m just sitting at my desk at work, sobbing as I write this. This post is just so touching and beautiful and I’m so glad you were able to have such a peaceful goodbye. And I’m glad you’re children will be able to read this someday and know their grandma was an amazing woman, as evidenced by the love that surrounded her.
.-= Megan (Best of Fates)´s last blog ..New York City =-.
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Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us Jen. It brought such quick tears to my eyes to read it because it reminded me so strongly of my own bedside vigil next to my mom.
There is a peace that passes over us knowing that our loved ones have gone on to see the glory of the Lord and to be made completely whole and healed. It helps fill just a portion of the hole left in our heart from their loss.
Its small, but its something.
.-= Sunday Stilwell´s last blog ..Great autism resources =-.
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I had no idea! I am way behind in my blog reading. I am so sorry. Hugs, prayers and good thoughts for you and your family.
.-= Lourie´s last blog ..A Funny Thing Happened…. =-.
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This is such a beautiful post and just wow Jen. Tears are a falling for the life of a woman that touched you all so much. She lived a good life and it’s so obvious that she will live on in all of you. The best tribute of all.
Praying for you and your family.
Lee
.-= Lee of MWOB´s last blog ..To my 5-year-old Wildflower =-.
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Love & prayers…
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What an honor for you to be with her in her last minutes of life. Wow. I’m so very glad you wrote this all out. Continued prayers for you all as you grieve. ..
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..It Was Kind of a Crazy Day =-.
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reading this made me cry. jen, i think you just gave loretta one of the, if not the, best remembrances ever. i had also lost my mother in law to cancer, even before jackjack came along. what breaks my heart to this day is my son not having the opportunity to know her…
*hugs*
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Jen,
Prayers and thoughts to you! ((hugs)). Beautiful post.
.-= Cindy A´s last blog ..DIY: Laundry detergent =-.
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This post absolutely broke my heart. You have told the story beautifully and captured a very special time. I hope you and your family find peace in her release from a body that was tired or fighting.
.-= ImBeingHeldHostage´s last blog ..Seven Is Lovely =-.
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This post made me cry, but you have a beautiful writing style. What a wonderful tribute to your mother-in-law.
.-= Monnik´s last blog ..Hollywood Runs =-.
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Oh Jen, as always, brilliant writing. But I find myself crying now, just tears flowing. Will talk again another day.
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I too have tears in my eyes. I know she will be watching over you. Though she may no longer physically be there, nevertheless she will always be there with your family.
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Wow…what a wonderful tribute to her! Very powerful. I am so srroy for your loss!
.-= Kim – In Search of Me in Mommy´s last blog ..Finger pointing… =-.
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Oh, Jen. I just saw this and am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers to you and your loved ones.
.-= Susan @ Sassafrassery´s last blog ..Definition =-.
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That was an amazingly beautiful and touching post. Again I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you are able to find some comfort from your relationship with God. That is all we really have in times like this. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
.-= Otter´s last blog ..Holy Rabbit Eggs! I Forgot Easter! =-.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. This was a beautiful post. I just found out that my uncle passed earlier today from cancer and I had tears streaming down my face as I read this.
I’ll say an extra prayer for your family tonight. {{Hugs}}
.-= Michaela´s last blog ..Go Green with Cascadian Farm =-.
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Jen, what a beautiful post. You are so right; it is very hard to stop being the “nurse” and just be the family when you are facing the death of a loved one. We are comfortable in our nursing roles; it’s not personal, just a fact of life. You can be caring and compassionate, and when your shift ends, you go on home. When you’re the family, you are part of the sadness. Your shift isn’t going to end. And when you go home, the sadness just follows you there.
You and Jeff and the babies are in my prayers. Thinking of you today, sweetie.
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So sad! I hope being able to be with her during her last few hours brings you some peace.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Our California Adventure Part Two: San Diego =-.
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You have shared something so beautiful here. I’m crying for you and your family, and hope that your memories comfort you all. Big Hug to you!
.-= Mary Ellen´s last blog ..Feeling Good =-.
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Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss. You were truly blessed to have such a special woman in your life. So many women complain about their mother-in-laws, but definitely God was smiling on you when he gave you Loretta.
Your kids are lucky to have a mom who will help them remember her!
.-= Texan Mama´s last blog ..Out =-.
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That was beautiful. You are lucky and she was lucky.
That made me cry but that’s not too hard considering I have been very heartbroken for days now.
(My sister lost her unborn baby at 36 weeks http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/?p=3794 )
I also wrote this poem that may be of comfort to you. http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/?p=3775
Hugs and I hope you continue to hold her love in your hearts to comfort you when you need the comforting.
.-= susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..The Best Gift Is A Thought Out One =-.
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Oh Jen, the tears are just running down my face reading this. There’s nothing really to say, just love to give. Hugs.
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