To be honest, I can’t remember what year it happened and I don’t really remember the date.
All I know is that it was a Friday night in April, when after drinking a glass of wine that was suppose to help me relax and unwind, the phone rang with Jeff saying the words, ”she is done… she doesn’t want to fight anymore…. hospice.”
My mind began to race and a flurry of activity happened next, the most important was finding someone to watch my children at 10pm so I could join my husband at the hospital.
She had been sick for months, gone through painful surgeries, procedures and radiation treatments for the cancer. The cancer had weakened her body so an infection could take over. She just couldn’t fight it anymore and was ready to go.
I had walked into that hospital many, many times before for she was a patient in the unit I worked. I never minded going to work, in fact, I like it but this time… I had to will my feet to move. It seemed like it took the force of a thousand men to make my arm raise and push the elevator button number 5.
I knew I was the last person to arrive.
I knew they were all waiting for me.
I figured if I didn’t enter the room, the inevitable couldn’t happen.
It was selfish but I didn’t want her to give up. I didn’t want her to leave. Pain or not, physical illness or not, in my mind she needed to keep fighting.
I lingered, refusing to enter, until someone gave me the shove that I needed.
I stood by her side until she passed in the wee hours of the morning.
I sent many months after being angry, feeling betrayed.
How could she choose to give up? How could she choose to leave? How could she not be here with me… with us?
I have since released the anger and there is peace in my soul. I am never going to be alright with the fact that she died but I have expected it and time has dulled the pain.
Years later, I miss the almost daily phone calls we shared. I miss her constant worry about the weather and her making sure we were prepared. I miss the joy she would bring my children.
But most of all I just miss her.
I decided not long after she died that I wanted a physical, perment reminder of her. I wanted something that would show our bond. I wanted something beautiful to remind me of her.
I found it in the form of a tattoo.
For a long time I searched just for the right image and finally about a year after she died, it came to me.
A dogwood flower.
Dogwood trees flower all around my house. Their playful beauty made her smile and she would always comment on how pretty they were. Sure, their pollen would make most sneeze but that is why she always carried tissues and Benedryl.
At first it was going to be just one flower but as I thought more about it, I decided I needed a branch. Dogwoods flower together and grow together and that is what happened with her and me.
My tattoo includes three Dogwood flowers, one for me, one for my mom, and one for her, Loretta.
The flowers themselves are for Loretta. She loved them. She died and I wanted to always carry something that reminded me of her person and how she made my world more beautiful.
The three is there since I am the mother I am today because of Loretta, my mom and myself. Together with their influence and help, I am able to be the best mother I can be. We are all intertwined, raising strong, confident children.
This tattoo is something I did just for me.
It is so personal, so beautiful and gives me joy from the sorrow.
This took three sessions over the course of four months and eight hours but it was totally worth it all.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
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And I love you.
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I am so sorry for your loss… cancer took my Mom two years ago and my Dad 20 years ago — cancer sucks!
What a beautiful way to honor your feelings and her memory!
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Jen Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Cancer is the most horrible thing that can happen to a person. I am sorry that it took your parents from you as well.
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I am so sorry for you loss. I’ve been there too.
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It’s such a lovely tattoo, and a great way to honor her memory:) Love!
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Wow, Jen..what a powerful reason to get a tattoo. And it’s stunning!
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Jen Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Thank you.
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You already know I love you for this.
Always.
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A beautifully moving piece of writing.
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Such a beautiful tattoo and beautiful tribute to amazing women.
xo
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And whenever someone asks about your tattoo, you get to tell them that incredible story. Beautiful!
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It’s beautiful—as is your writing. Thank you for sharing.
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Pretty. I love knowing the stories behind tattoos. I’m sorry for your loss. So glad you found a way to honor her forever.
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Jen Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I think that the story behind tattoos is what totally makes them awesome.
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beautiful story and tattoo. I’m sorry for your loss. I love how you found a visually beautiful way to show she is still with you. Hugs!
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I’m so glad when I hear the story behind a tattoo, and I’m sorry yours has sadness – but hopefully it’ll bring you smiles, too.
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Jen Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:52 pm
It does. I smile every time I see it and think of the good times I had with her.
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I love it. My sister dies 6 months ago and I am still trying to find the right tattoo for me to have a reminder of her.
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It’s beautiful Jen! And I’m so, so sorry for your loss and pain.
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I know you miss her so… and I’m so sorry. The tattoo is amazing, as are you. xoxo
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I don’t ever think I would get a tattoo myself- but tattoos like this that mean so much are beautiful.
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BEAUTIFUL tattoo! And such a wonderful sentiment! I love it!
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What a beautiful tattoo for a beautiful reason!
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The situation is sucky but the way you’ve chosen to memorialize the people who you’ve loved is beautiful. I’m too scardey cat to get a tattoo. Especially one that big. I’m afraid I’ll start and won’t be able to go back to finish and then I’ll wind up with some half drawn image that looks ridiculous. I’m pretty dumb like that.
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Jen Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Well, this is not my first tattoo. I started out small and worked up too it. I was really scared too but it honestly didn’t hurt as bad as I thought.
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That is a beautiful way to remember someone. So sorry for your loss
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