This is Hayden.
He is five years old and goes to kindergarten. He is sweet and sensitive. He loves art and video games. He loves to go swimming and play outside in the mud. He likes to learn about how things work. He likes to build things with Legos. He is a great big brother to his younger siblings. He likes to help his mommy cook and he likes to play Wii with his Daddy.
But there are somethings that Hayden likes that doesn’t really fit into the mold of a little boy.
Hayden loves to play dress up and wear pretty dresses and high heeled shoes. He loves to watch movies about Princesses and he really, really hopes that for his birthday he will get a Barbie doll.
At home, we have a pretty gender neutral house. The kids have a wide variety of toys to play with. Claire can play with the trucks and cars and the boys can play with baby dolls and the dress up clothes. For the most part, the little kids play with a mix of toys but usually Claire sticks with her dolls and Jake and Quinn lean more towards trucks.
And then there is Hayden. Very rarely will you find him playing with cars and trucks, he much prefers to play with Claire’s doll house or her Little Pony’s.
He has always been like this. He has always gravitated towards the girl toys. For example, when McDonald’s has a choice for a boy toy and girl toys, Hayden will choose the girl toy about 90% of the time.
I honestly, don’t have an issue with this. I just want my children to be happy and if it makes Hayden happy to play with princess dolls then that if fine by me. But this does not fit into what society says little boys should play with.
Now that Hayden is in school, he is no longer just playing in the safety of home. He is interacting more with other kids his own age. And I hear the comments and giggles that he gets when he proudly shows off his new princess doll toy.
This kills me to see him look sad and sometimes ashamed at his choice. It hurts me when I have to literally crush his dreams of having a Barbie doll cake at his birthday party because all the other kids won’t understand and will laugh at him. I don’t like having to disappoint him when I tell him that he can’t wear a dress out of the house.
In the safety of our home, we can be gender neutral but the world is not. I am just trying to protect him. But I think that I may be going at it the wrong way. I don’t want to force him into something or someone that he is not but I also want him to have friends and be excepted. I just want him to be happy.
I am just not sure how to handle this anymore. I often wonder, is this something that other little boy’s go through? How to their mommy’s handle this? What are your thoughts?
We all know how cruel the world can be to those who are different and I really want to save my son from any and all of this.
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((Big Hugs for Hayden)) He is such a lovely boy. I don’t know what I would do in your situation.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..RTT- Motivation Lacking =-.
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Oh my, he is so handsome! What a charming little prince you have! I am not entirely sure how I’d handle this. I know in the house I would be the same way – I would definitely let my son play with whatever he wanted, but outside the home it is such a different ballgame. I think as much as I would hate either outcome, what it would come down to is what would hurt him MORE, being disappointed by me or the looks, snickers, whispers, etc. that would inevitably happen outside of the home because our society does not know how to handle it. It is really too bad we cannot let our kids do what they want and grow how they are comfortable. I hope you are able to find a happy medium so your little boy is happy!
.-= Beth P´s last blog ..Some people just have IT =-.
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That just breaks my heart for him! I think you’re handling it right, as well as you can at least.
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I really do not know, but I can tell you that my 6 foot 4 BIL used to love playing with dolls and having tea parties all dressed up with the girls. He is married and very manly – a kite surfer and all. Does that help?
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Do you know about Marlo Thomas’ “Free to Be You and Me”? There’s a wonderful song on the record (CD) that’s about a little boy who wants a doll and how it’s ok. Here’s a (sort of weird) clip from what looks like a Broadway show or something but hopefully you can understand it. A good message…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWmVmmZtuT0
.-= Cindy S (Serial Swooper)´s last blog ..Jason Mraz Stole My Toothbrush =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:43 pm
Thanks for the link. Its a cute song. I am going to show it to Hayden.
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Haha…as I just looked again, probably not Broadway. Piano on stage with a curtain wrap. Whatever.
.-= Cindy S (Serial Swooper)´s last blog ..Jason Mraz Stole My Toothbrush =-.
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Just keep doing what you are doing. Keep reassuring him that it is OK to play with what he wants and be who he is…super sweet and energetic!! There is always going to be someone that will laugh and make fun of him for SOMETHING. I think all you can do is be supportive and build up his self esteem so that he can handle it. He’ll find good friends and be OK, he has you guys for parents!
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Well, I don’t know what I would do honestly. But I have a suggestion about the Barbie cake, if you’re open to it. Maybe have a small cake made for his actual birth day and just have that for dessert with just your own family. That way he can have both.
I don’t know much more. I’m sorry. Tristan is obsessed with Cars.
.-= S Club Mama´s last blog ..funk =-.
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Mary Ellen Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
That is such a great idea about the cake! I don’t have a situation like this, but I’ll definately keep that in mind in case we do someday!
.-= Mary Ellen´s last blog ..Sleeping in the Pack N Play =-.
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Hmmm…I don’t have a boy, so my advice is pretty much worthless…but…
Have you asked him what it is he likes about Barbie dolls? Is it fun to “create” a world for them and have that imaginary play? Does he like that they have more clothes and are more “real” than the typical plastic boy action figures? Does he pick the girl toys because he knows his brothers will get the boy toys anyway and he wants to have the different one?
Also, I think lots of boys at the kindergarten age play with dolls and dress up! When Elizabeth has friends over, the boys dive into her princess outfits and they whip out the Barbie dolls. Sometimes they’ll whine about how there aren’t any boy toys, but within 10 minutes they are quite happy to dig in her stuff.
My rule is no dress up outside the house, period. Old people might smile at watching a 4 year old run around in a fairy outfit, but when she’s throwing a fit about candy in the check out line no one thinks it’s cute and it draws even MORE attention to her spoiled behavior.
As far as the birthday party–I’d have to say no to a Barbie theme, unless it’s a family-only party. Kids are cruel, and you know there are some boys whose Dad’s drill the whole “man” thing into their head from the day they’re born and have encouraged their sons to man up, put anything remotely girly down, and make fun of any other boy who doesn’t.
.-= Jaci´s last blog ..Pregnancy…and Depression? =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I think that he likes Barbies and Princess b/c of the clothes and the texture of the clothes. He is very much a texture/hands on learner. Barbies are fun to touch and play with.
And we have the same rule, dress up clothes are only for in the house.
Thanks for your advice and incite.
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Great pic and great new site. Not a nice story but kids can of course be cruel and I’m sure your lad will be more than fine in the long run.
.-= Mr Teacher´s last blog ..Teaching Meme =-.
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I can think of a number of things that you could do (of course I do since I’m not in your shoes and I’m Captain Answer for Everything). But honestly none are really appropriate for such a little boy. He shouldn’t have to worry about this yet! And I personally find it darling that wants a Barbie cake. Someday he’ll probably be in fashion or design.
Okay since I have to have an answer for everything I’ll try. Why don’t you explain to him that sometimes we have to do what our friends like too and that he could try playing with cars sometimes just to be a good friend. Of course that brings up the issue of reciprocity… And I hate the idea of making him feel like he has to conform to fit in… But I guess the idea of being a good friend and “sometimes” playing with the toys the other boys like is a start.
I’m just in LOVE with that little guy now! He’s something special.
For the record – this is sometimes an issue for me later on a smaller scale since I have boy/girl twins and my boy often wants to wear barrettes and tutus like his sister. I liked Jaci’s advice of “no dress up outside the house.” That simplifies things and it’s not crushing their development of individuality.
.-= Kate Coveny Hood´s last blog ..A New Favorite =-.
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You’ve already gotten some great advice. Since you’ve previously witnessed the giggles of his peers and his sad face when that happens, did you talk to him about it at the time? If the situation arises again, try to talk to him as soon as possible, as inconspicuously as possible, about how he feels and why he feels that way. Not always an easy task for 5-6 year olds, but if you can speak with him right after it happens, he’ll likely be able to voice his feelings on the topic.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..OOTW =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:51 pm
I do try and talk about this with him. I also try and give him things to say when kids do make fun of him. I tell him that some little boys might say mean things to him b/c of his choice. I encourage him to tell those boys that it is alright for him to play with whatever he wants and if they don’t have anything nice to say, they shouldn’t say anything.
I don’t know if this is good, but its the best I got.
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Cranky Sarah Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:12 pm
I think that’s about the best anyone could get. I feel for him, but not being a small boy myself, my heart hurts for you more keenly. Knowing that even though you love your child unconditionally, the world doesn’t. He’s as lucky to have you as you are to have him (and all the rest, of course
)
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.
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I honestly have no idea what i would do but you have some wonderful advise in these other comments. He sounds like such a wonderful boy.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..My First Naked Party =-.
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Wow! What a hard situtaion! On the one hand I would want him to be comfortable in our home and to be able to play with whatever toys he wants to, but then by doing so I would be afraid that it was telling him it was ok to do so outside of the home, which (damn it) he should be able to but by doing so it would lead to too much hurt and pain for him. I mean, he’s young now so more than likely he’s only going to get picked on. But as he get’s older, and goes up in grades he would have to start dealing with bullies. And God knows how mean bullies can be.
It seems like it’s really a no win situation for you boo. But I would much rather my son be upset with me than to see him come home from school being beaten up on daily basis. It’s so sad that kids can’t be more understanding! I hope it all works out for you!
.-= Blondie´s last blog ..On the Road Again…. =-.
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Honestly, I’d probably give him the Barbie cake and Barbie for his birthday. Kids get to be “gender neutral” for just so long before _they_ feel the need to conform to the world. Hayden is who he is — let him be who he is and teach him how to deal with the other kids. I think it’s sad when Maggie comes home and tells me she doesn’t want to wear her football shirt because football is for boys. Or she doesn’t like yellow anymore because pink is for girls. I always try to explain that girls can wear blue and yellow and boys can wear pink if they want (or whatever the situation merits). I try to let her “express” herself as much as she can (which is why yesterday she went to daycare wearing a pink top, orange pants and rainbow socks). It won’t be long and she’ll be a pre-teen who will feel like she MUST fit in and will gasp at me when I tell her what she chose to wear as a preschooler — can’t you just hear a teenager saying: “Mother! How could you let me go out like that??”
If you really don’t want to do a Barbie cake, why not do cupcakes with different toys or decorations on top? Or ask Hayden to decorate each one? I feel bad for Hayden.
.-= Wendy´s last blog ..Lent Reflections: 24 Hours that Changed the World =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Thank you for this. It is sad that at such a young age, kids can’t be expecting.
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DUDE, that’s a tough one. I sometimes wonder about one of mine also. He will even tell me he is a girl. Or I will say “what do you want to be when you grow up?” A GIRL he will say. You’ve got me stumped on this one also.
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That is so hard… and the ironic/sad thing is.. if there was a girl that was wanting a truck cake, while people might find it amusing she probably wouldn’t be teased about it. Girls are definitely allowed to be more manly than the other way around.
I guess just love him, support him, and maybe help him think of some different type of cake that he would be really excited about. And my husband played with barbies for quite a while, he had his own Kenn doll
.-= Emmy´s last blog ..Restaurant Nightmares =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I often think about this. You are so right, if this were Claire wanting to boy things, no one would bat an eye.
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If I Graham and I had our way, he’d be sporting pink and purple ear molds… that’s all he asks for when we get new ones made. Hubs says no, and I don’t blame him.
.-= cristin´s last blog ..glimpse. =-.
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That’s a tough one. Unfortunately, it is our job as parents to prepare our kids for the world and unfortunately, the world has a lot of rules like blue for boys and pink for girls. My best guess that you should make the “girlie toys” special toys for home and “boy toys” are those he plays with his friends. I don’t know how else to not crush his spirit but still have him function in such a ridged world:-(
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You are doing the right thing. Allow your child to explore his world the way that he wants. If you create gender boundaries he will rebel. My brother was the same. My parents even have pictures of him as a young boy wearing my bikini tops around.
He is now a 30 year old manly man who loves sports….and women.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:55 pm
This does help. Thank you!
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Sweet Hayden. I agree with Wendy. If he wants a Barbie doll, honoring what he really wants will make him feel understood and appreciated at home. As for the cake, is it a coed birthday party? Maybe having cupcakes, some with princess candies and some with transformer candies would alleviate the problem.
Depending on his personality he could just assert that boys and girls can play with all toys and that daddy’s take care of babies and that doesn’t keep them from being daddies. However, if it really makes him self conscious or sad then gently explaining that some kids think that dolls and dresses are just for girls and if he doesn’t want them to tease him then he should just play with those things at home.
It is sad. There is a girl in T’s class who was a transformer for Halloween and gave out batman valentines cards and wore spiderman pj’s on pajama day. The boys actually respect her more and the girls are in awe of her. What does that say about the way we view girls and women’s roles in general? That’s a whole new post.
I don’t have a perfect answer. I have seen a handful parents let their boys go to the zoo and park in dresses and every time it seems to generate whispers and confusion from strangers, and that’s here in Northern California. While I understand that the parents were trying to let their children be themselves, I don’t know that subjecting children to the cruelty of others is necessarily the right lesson either. I think they should be allowed to feel as sure of themselves as they can when they’re young so they have as strong enough sense of self when they’re older to stand up on their own.
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Michelle Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Interesting point that girls can be tomboys at this age and adults don’t really bat an eye. Double standard.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..The Birth Of A Runner =-.
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I have to say, I admire you so much for letting Hayden be who he is. So many parents feel the need to teach their kids to be “young ladies” or “a man,” and it is incredibly wonderful to see how much you respect his own interests.
I understand the logic and reasoning for insisting that he not wear dresses out of the house (have a Barbie birthday cake, etc), but by the same token I wonder if that is the best approach? I mean, either this a stage, and he will grow out of it regardless of what you do (and not feel like it was something “wrong”), or it’s simply who he is, and you will be giving him the opportunity to feel like his feelings are respected and understood, and that he is not “wrong” or “bad” for liking this. Other children would also get the very valuable lesson that everybody likes different things, and we don’t get to tease them because of this.
Either way, whatever you decide to do, I totally respect your decision. You are a wonderful parent!
.-= Blythe´s last blog ..NOT one of my shining moments =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:57 pm
I really like your point of view on this. The last thing I want him to feel is that he is playing with something wrong. That is why I don’t say anything at home. I want him to be who he is, no matter who he is.
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What a sweet sensitive boy! I wish I had some answers for you.
.-= Connie @ Young and Relentless´s last blog ..Bring on the Fabulous! =-.
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Oy. That is so tough.
I would probably just talk with him and explain that for some reason, a lot of boys like to play with cars and trucks so they may not understand that he wants to play with dolls., etc I would also definitely keep supporting his choices at home though! You guys are awesome parents.
.-= Kelly Deneen´s last blog ..Wild Rumpus =-.
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Sometimes it is so hard to be a mama. Avery is kinda like Hayden. She’s a little quirky, and sometimes her friends have trouble “getting” her. (i.e. She’d choose a toy snake over Barbie any day of the week) So it’s a struggle–do I squash that quirkiness I love so much so the kids won’t be cruel? Or do I celebrate and encourage the things that I know will someday cause her pain?
I choose to celebrate and encourage. I think that eventually, Avery will understand what’s appropriate and when. If there are some hurt feelings along the way, well, that is just life. But Mama’s here to pick her back up again!
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You have gotten some great feedback! And really…it does say so much about our cultural views on gender roles.
So…how did you decide to handle it??
.-= Kat´s last blog ..In the kitchen with Kat: Chicken Tacos =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Right now, I just take things a day at a time or handle each situation as it comes. I NEVER tell him that he can’t have the girl toy if he wants it. I try and understand why he wants that one.
That is the best I have right now.
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Oh Jen, at first, I was laughing along with your cutie pie and his interest and then you made me want to cry. I know you are a great Mom and you want to let him make choices but protect him from other kids brattiness. Support his choices and at the same time, you can teach him the confidence he needs to one day look at kids like that and say ” you are narrow minded.” He will never forget that you instilled this in him.
I applaud you.
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..Skimmers =-.
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Wow, such good timing for me to read this post. My son, Cash, is 4 and he is very much into tights! Yes, tights. I bought him some because he was always trying to wear mine–didn’t really think it was a big deal. He can wear them at home until his hearts content but when we go out he can only wear them under his jeans. Course, my husband made a huge deal out of this and I told him “it really is no big deal”–Cash will move on to something else soon and forget about the tights. In the meantime, I don’t agree with going with what society calls acceptable–they are young boys and the are exploring, living and being creative!!
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Exactly!
Why is it so wrong for a little boy to want to explore and learn about things that are suppose to be for little girls? They all just want to learn about the world.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
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Such great ideas already posted.
This is so hard. I wish I had a good answer. Do let us know what you decide and how it goes.
.-= angie´s last blog ..Bathroom Facelift =-.
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Tough one – and I can’t figure out what I would truly do becaue I am not there yet. I really like the idea though formerly stated for his party of having cupcakes some with transformers and some with barbie or princess and whatever he wants for his family party. Everyone gets to pick which one they want! And I have to say I’d be totally surprised if another little boy didn’t pick the Barbie or princess. I help alot in the preschool and K-1st grade rooms @ church 2 Sunday’s a month and there are a handful of boys who always seem to gravitate toward playing with the girls (like kitchen/house). I never even thought about this being weird – because as their “teacher” – these boys were the ones who were more creative and really really indulged in using their imaginations. They weren’t so much concerned with crashing of cars, it is like they got bored with it – like there is only so much to do with cars/trains/etc. But their imaginations and creativity seemed to soar over the others in the room. Be it correct or incorrect – that’s just my opinion
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Your thoughts make a lot of sense to me because Hayden is a very creative person. Ideas and art just pour out of him. He can’t help it and I think this has a lot to do with his toy choices. Girl toys are more visually and textually stimulating.
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Oh I truly wish I had the right words of advice for you. My son liked to play with those things but it was because he wanted to do whatever his sister was doing. Outside the house, he chose the stereotypical boy things.
I hope someone sheds light on it for you.
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..Call Me Whatever You Want =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:03 pm
I could totally see that but Hayden is the oldest and he has always been this way, even before Claire came into the picture.
Sometimes, I hope that its just a stage but I am beginning to think its not.
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Oh dear. This is a tough one. You want to protect your kids so much but you want them to be true to themselves at the same time. I wish I had an answer for you … all I know is that if you love him as he is, that is all that matters in the end. Good luck!
.-= Jenners´s last blog ..Post-It Note Tuesday: Talking With Myself =-.
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What a tough situation for your little one and you. I can tell you that when my son turned 4, he was insistent on a Cinderella party. And we had one for him – Cinderella cake, hats, decorations, the whole thing. All of his cousins and some family friends were there – it was unique party for a little boy, but he LOVED it, and that was really all we cared about, but he was a couple of years younger than your son, and we were still isolating him from mean kids.
Unfortunately as soon as they go to school, they have to deal with being different in one way or another. We are dealing with a little bit of a weight issue with my youngest. Fortunately for me, she is very self confident and has some wonderful friends who look past all that. And I believe Hayden will develop those kinds of friendships as well, where his friends don’t care what kinds of toys he plays with, and they just embrace him for him!
.-= Cybil´s last blog ..The Gateway to the Twilight Zone =-.
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Why can’t a boy play with barbies? Why can’t he like pink? Why CAN a girl like to play in the mud and get dirty(me!) It’s not fair. I just don’t know about the school thing. I will keep you and Hayden in my thoughts. If I suddenly am inspired I will let you know.
.-= Lourie´s last blog ..New Beginnings =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:07 pm
You are so right. Why can’t they? These gender stereotypes suck!
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I think you are doing exactly the right thing. I don’t know what else you could do. Support and love.
.-= Carabee´s last blog ..36 =-.
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Great picture! Sounds like an awesome kid. My opinion: society is wrong – pushing boys to fit into this box that has been defined for them does so much more harm than good. I used to carry this doll around me as a boy. It was a baby doll that we put a white t-shirt on with a Tony the Tiger iron-on. I named her “Suzy” and took her everywhere with me. This may sound crazy, but I’m convinced to this day that being allowed to play with that doll and not browbeaten for doing so taught me something about how to be accepting and empathetic towards women. Keep the faith and stay strong. Sounds like Hayden has a great and supportive family behind me.
.-= Chris (Tessasdad)´s last blog ..Daddy Blog Review: Luke, I Am Your Father =-.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:08 pm
You don’t know how happy this makes me to hear this. You have given me hope. Thank you.
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We are, as a society, so confused and concerned about gender and sexuality we often overlook that gender and sexuality are completely separate things, developing at different times during childhood. Moreover, gender preferences (though having some basis in boy vs. girl play styles) are learned and often in flux until kids are much older than your son. They may not learn to differentiate “boy” or “girl” content until a little older anyway.
I think the best advice I can give is not to worry about the “gender” of his playthings, but rather ask him questions to help him find the language to express what it is he likes about anything that he is playing with. Kids may gravitate toward traditionally opposite-gender playthings for completely different qualities than we assume. The example is often told of parents troubled by their boys wanting to be a girl cartoon character for Halloween… only to find out the boy isn’t choosing the costume for the gender of the character but because of some other quality: “she’s the strongest on the team” or “that’s my favorite color” or “I like her lasso better than his claws.” [Heck, at his age, I was a witch for Halloween. I remember choosing it because it was the scariest thing I could think of.]
Talk with him about what he likes about the things he is playing with, and help him find the language to express these preferences so you… and others… can uynderstand.
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Jen Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Jeff and I do a lot this. If and when Hayden wants something that might raise eyebrows, he really question him and it is not to try and change his mind but more to try and understand why he wants that thing.
Hayden used to always want to wear pigtails in his hair. I used to let him until some little boy made fun of him and made him cry. This broke my heart b/c the only reason he wanted pigtails was because I wore them and he wanted to be like me.
Thank you for your advice and incite. It really does help.
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Children that are allowed to freely explore gender roles rather than being forced into societal norms actually grow up to be more secure adults. I think Hayden is precious and I am so sorry that is going to encounter cruel and thoughtless people as he grows up. My best friend’s son has decided that he HATES pink because someone commented on the pink polo shirt he had on one day. He actually took the shirt off and just wore his jacket at lunch. (He is only four.) My daughter couldn’t understand why it wasn’t okay for a boy to wear pink. Which makes sense since girls can wear blue! The whole situation, whether is is barbie cakes or pink polo shirts, is just sad!
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Splish Splash =-.
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Wendy Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:14 am
That’s not always the case, though. Someone (probably another kid) told my daughter that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. For a MONTH she wouldn’t wear ANYTHING blue — not even blue jeans or a blue shirt with sparkles on it. She finally stopped after I wore blue shirts/pants a couple of times and she realized that it’s okay for girls to wear blue.
I’ve also seen it on the other side that we should discourage the girly-girl stuff (playing with Barbies, etc) as it will make your little girl “weak”. It doesn’t matter what you do, someone will always think you are making the wrong choice.
.-= Wendy´s last blog ..Lent Reflections: 24 Hours that Changed the World =-.
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What a sweet boy you have there jen.
He reminds me of my son Teddy. When teddy was little, he wanted to be a “pretty, pretty princess” when he grew up. He LOVED dressing up, playing with dolls, etc…for years (although he also liked playing with guns and cars too)
We also have a very gender neutral home .
I never really had issues with teddy being made fun of, but he also never really had many friends, aside from his brothers.
Not sure what to suggest to you other than to continue letting him be the wonderful boy that he is. (((HUGS)))
ps Just think, in a few days, we can actually talk about this in person!
.-= debi9kids´s last blog ..Will You Share Your Sunny Spot With Me? =-.
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Ah Jen, what a tough thing to have to watch…Hayden certainly doesn’t deserve to have his little spirit crushed. I think you are doing a great job of letting him choose what he wants to play with.
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I think you are doing a great job so far. Trust me when I say that Hayden will learn on his own what he can and can’t share with his peers. As long as you support him he will know everything is ok.
Even though everyone says “kids are so cruel”….it is my experience that most kids are not cruel. He will find his own peer group that won’t care what type of toys he likes.
As for the cake. If you were having a party you could easily have a prince/princess party. You could have a Barbie cake and then put plastic dragons around the base (and maybe a plastic prince). As long as their were girls at the party none of the kids would even blink an eye that he had a “girl” cake. You could have the dragons climbing the barbies skirt.
.-= Michelle @ One Crafty Mama´s last blog ..WW- February 365 =-.
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You’re such a wonderful mum! It seems you’re doing everything right already, but I feel your pain! I worried about Harpo getting himself labelled as a ‘nerd’ since he loved pulling his socks up, buttoning his school shirts as high as possible and tucking his shirts in. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but he did stick out! Bit by bit he conformed himself to look like the other kids, and I guess that’s a bit sad.
Go for multiple birthday cakes. Let him play with what he wants, search out some more interesting boy toys to add into the mix, and keep teaching him inoffensive come-back phrases like, “That’s what YOU think,” or the old classic, “Why? Why? But WHY?”
He’s so cute.
.-= Crazy Sister´s last blog ..Katie Windell’s Plastic Pants =-.
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I don’t have any great suggestions just encouragement. Keep at it mama! I think it is a balance of both approaches. What does your hubby think?
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..The Birth Of A Runner =-.
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I do not look forward to sending my innocent boy into the harsh world to deal with these kinds of issues.
I think with the supportive home base that he has, Hayden will do just fine.
Good for you for being so accepting and keeping things gender-neutral!
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Oh golly, that’s a tough one. Sometimes I want to yell really loud to society “WHY?!?! Why does it have to be this way?”
I think he could have a red corvette cake with Barbie driving, right? That’s if he’s cool with that. Best of both worlds??
He’s such a great kid. Hugs to you both.
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..WW – Reality =-.
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Love Crafty Mama’s suggestion-it was going to be mine. I have a little girl, so not in your situation at this time. I will say that she is currently fascinated with “boy toys”-trains, cars, Legos…she even requested the “boy” Happy Meal the other day.
I wish you all lots of peace and contentment with whichever path you end up taking.
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I really have no clue how to handle this, either. I don’t know there is a right answer. Right now he is really too young to fully understand the implications of his choices, just as he should be. I honestly think you are doing the right thing, embracing those parts of him in an environment where it is safe to do so. Good luck!
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Avocado Fields of Mitered Squares =-.
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If I were you, I would do my best to explain to Hayden what the issue is; he might understand?
He should know it’s okay to play with any toy he wants to play with, but lots of boys and girls have mommies and daddies that teach them it’s NOT okay for boys to play with toys made for girls. YOU know it’s okay for him to play with anything he likes, but you can’t promise him other kids will understand.
So, maybe it should be up to him?
If this isn’t just a phase, he might appreciate how honest you had been with him, from the start.
Also, I really liked the idea of the Barbie and boy-themed cupcakes. If he’s unwrapping a Barbie for his birthday, maybe it should be a Barbie AND a Ken doll?
Give him what he wants, but still help find a balance to keep him sheltered.
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my son, also, likes his sister’s princess dresses and my high heels. Before you worry, remember that this is a very tactile, visual and curiosity driven time of their lives. A pair of heels or a fluffy tutu have a lot more going on with them that the more acceptable, t-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. Girl stuff is just more interesting, has more sparkles, is made from cheerier colors than most boy stuff. It’s nothing more than that.
I too, like the cupcake idea, some pink and some blue. No one will notice if he picks a pink one.
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I saw this late, my kindergartener (boy) loves Tinker bell, rainbows and butterflies. He asked for a rainbow and butterfly birthday party. My friend made him a rainbow layer cake and covered it with a cascade of fondant butterflies covered in glitter. It was beautiful. When the cake was cut open, everyone said “Oooh” even the little boys. He does not ask to dress up as a princess but he says his favorite color is pink and asks for pink clothing. He has a pink baseball cap that says “Angel” that he wore constantly when was four. I was worried about him being teased at school too. I read him the story of Noah and the Ark and when we got to the rainbow part I told him God made rainbows because colors belong to everyone. I said in 1st grade and kindergarten some kids make a mistake and say that pink is for girls but that don’t know better yet and that is a common five or six year old mistake. I said when you get older you will see that pink belongs to everyone. When Susan Komen came to town I took him on a tour of the campground and he saw all the walkers and there was a ton of grown men dressed as fairies with glitter and wings and you name it and I did not say anything at that time but I let him soak it in. I just refer back to Noah and the rainbow and say when the kids get older they will learn. As for the cake, well, I am not rich but my friend who made the cake spoiled us and treated him to the best cake I ever saw. Sometimes people will surprise you. Hang in there. Here is a link to the cake: http://myfavoritecakeplace.blogspot.com/2010/06/rainbows-butterflies.html
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